A New Dream…

Hello, good people and also hello 2022, here to dump my mind-nubbing thoughts on you guys once more last time I was here I was on a some-what vengeful quest to end a friendship and air everything out in hindsight it wasn’t nice but I needed to speak my mind. so again I’m here to tell you guys the whole truth and nothing but… Been watching sex and the city lately and like my beloved Carrie Bradshaw, I want to write in these moments of self-awareness…also like my last post this will be dedicated or some form of closure and or letter to my ex-fiance… hope this blog post finds you well… ready let’s dive in…

Where it started…

For years I dreamed the American dream, as a black woman I grew up hating my skin and race, didn’t understand why I didn’t have a father didn’t understand why my mother was so emotionally distant didn’t understand times were there was no food on the table or why I didn’t grow up like those kids on Disney shows waking up to a table full of fresh food for breakfast right before I head out for school… I thought me and my people (black people) had it all wrong and white people had the right idea, clean homes decorated with so much personality… I at the lovely age of 12 made a vow to get the America dream even if I had to die trying!

The mess my life has been chasing the American dream, I knew the American dream started with either college or love… hell both in my teenage years since college was so far away I decided to take my chance on love, and my God was that a mistake, boy after boy or as men would say body after body I find myself being used all I ever wanted was love but guys just seem to want my body instead …the levels I stooped down to in the name of love is just embarrassing if I can go back in time I would tell my younger self to wait until marriage save yourself the pain young one and focus on yourself I would say.

My 1st love/mistake

Chasing the American dream, of course, ended badly, but let me tell you the stories of those two, yes just two men… I have had sex with plenty of guys but I have only been a girlfriend twice, and let me tell you those events in-order… My 1st love, let’s call mine LB, oh, LB you caught me at the right time, my self-esteem was so low you didn’t have to do a damn thing but be there to make me fall for you and be there you did, always there to get me high out of my mind and fuck me day and night I thought you were love, but the thing with LB is we had different ways of living and looking back years later it was painfully obvious

I and LB dated for a combined total of 2 years, as I stated before the 1st time we met I was young and dumb and he didn’t have to do much to make me fall in love I remember coming over to your house seeing it clean having freshly cooked food served to me every day by your parents… your mom even washed our clothes, last time my mom washed my clothes I was 13, I remember thinking wow, this is the dream I got comfortable …too comfortable I remember spending the whole summer at your parents, I was there so long you had to seat me down and say… hey so when are you leaving my parents can’t afford to take care of you and me anymore so….yeah. I took the huge hint lol I went home and you still came to see me everyday damn near ..until I made a very immature mistake…

I and LB ended after a painful lie and a painful abortion for me, I remember it all like it was yesterday 4 weeks after my decision to not carry the child we moved on like nothing happened I started hanging with my friends a little more because you did and this day I remember like it was yesterday we all met up at my friend’s home you were leaving early and I wanted you to stay I begged you and you refused so when you left my friend called up two other guys and we hung out that night and hung out is all we did the guy was annoying and my friend just needed a wingman or for me to take one for the team so she can get her groove on so to speak…

The next time I saw you I remember I was still mad that you left me hanging that night and I had made it up in my head that I wanted to teach you a lesson make you jealous, now keep in mind I was like 17 and dumb so the next statement out of my mouth whether you believe it or not is true I remember looking you deep in the eyes and lying I told you I cheated that night you left, I told you it was meaningless and we didn’t have intercourse I just polished his knob lol, sorry this not funny because that one statement broke that man’s heart he instantly and I mean instantly broke up with me, My plan had backfired…

You left me alone to deal with my lie LB, and in hindsight, you made the perfect decision, but immature me felt alone and sad, I remember the 1st two weeks of us being done my 1st heartbreak I felt like I was legit dying no bullshit, crying in my room not sleeping or eating and when I did eat I throw-up my food I was a mess for probably 3 months but then eventually… I went back to the old me … the hoe me and I never liked her she just wanted to not be alone and she traded her body for momentary bliss… I was dead inside.

But,,, our story doesn’t end there now does it LB, no, no, no, no,.. we linked up again about two years later this time I thought I’m mature I have my own apartment, a good-paying job, and a car…. surely you would love me like I wanted to be loved move in and we could start planning our lives together right… right .. WRONG! not at all it was 2015 all over again … I was 22 but still felt 17, you entered my life got me back on mary jane, and gave me unlimited sex and for a while that was ok…but it was never enough I wanted more LB, movie dates, cooking together, traveling I wanted you to see me and care for me but you had a different way of living …

I remember my 1st attempt of taking us to the next level my grandma gave me a movie gift card and I wanted to see a movie I invited you gassed up your car and we went, and 10 mins into the trailers you fell asleep… I remember thinking well that was a waste of a ticket … but I quickly put it past me because I wanted to be a girlfriend your trespasses were swept under the rug for the thought of the American dream…

Our ending was my new beginning ...

Our ending LB, it was so painful it drove me to a mental hospital where I met my next “dream” we will be talking about him in the next paragraph but to wrap up you LB, I remember one day you were driving me to your place… you were driving and sparking up a blunt…then a voice in my head asked “can you do this forever ?” I wanted to cry in that very moment because the answer was a hard no, smoking all day and having sex wasn’t enough and I desperately wanted you to be my everything but you weren’t and 3 days later I went through your phone and found out you were trying to cheat … key word trying ..texting a new girl everyday hey beautiful when I was right next to you that whole time, I was broken… torn … alone … I had to let you go and the funny thing is I was so desperate I tried to win you back….

That’s right people the man that cheated, the man that wasn’t good for me I tried one last way to win him back….I rented a cheap motel but on some lingerie and tried to win him back I wanted him to look me deep in the eyes and see his girl, to see my pain and try, but you left me alone … and just to skip the theatricals our break up was so bad on me mentally I ended up somewhere I shouldn’t, homeless and without sleep for 3 days and my mom made a hard decision to commit me a mental hospital…

Mental health is important!

5 days of being held in this place scared me the whole time I couldn’t heal because my brain was in shambles … I was confused about the world I was scared and I was alone… again I felt like a failure I had cracked under pressure and now I was a crazy nobody until I met you, Mario.. until I met you… in that place that big scary place you were something I wanted/needed you speaking to me gave me some type of feeling … my new muse… was it you..?(I sound like joe from “You” lol)

We met at my worst and you took the scary thoughts away … you were someone I could care for you were keeping me stable and alive … you was exactly what I needed… you were there… and from that day we met, we were basically inseparable.. every day was a challenge for me mentally somedays I didn’t want to wake up but you waking up woke me up… you were a routine and company at my lowest and we started to fall in love we moved into your space although not conventional, it was our space just me and you and computer games all day long, we got two cats sassy and echo my 1st time encountering the creatures up close and they were a beautiful experiences…

Time passed I got a job, we was looking to get our own home now there were some small issues I can say i somewhat started them but the main issue and will always be our main issue was your mom she scared me, to my bones the look she gave me as if she was looking at a low-life who had plans to murder her son or some weird shit always hurt me… as you know Mario that relationship was never good and never got better she started by kicking me out of your home, then I sued her, then our 1st big argument she came over to your place and started packing my shit calling all type of names I really didn’t understand her deep hatred for me at 1st I thought this will blow over things will change one day and I made small efforts to show her.. hey I’m not the emeny I just love your son ma’am…and time after time we argued more and more a mother protecting her son with her dying breath because let’s be real your mom NEEDS you, she probably wants to move in with you cook for you and make sure you take your meds she needs/wants to be your mom and care giver til her death and I came in and interrupted that if we being honest you ard her had a life… and I came in and stole her spot…

Now, good people if you are still here this Mario guy was the closest thing I had to real love, movie dates <check>, being with me all day <check>, listening to me <double check> this man was damn near perfect but as time went on like in most relationships things became uneasy, you get tired of your partner antics and to be fair, I’m very unsure of my self and where I fit in sometimes I felt as though I was sabotaging this relationship, it’s like I wasn’t going to be satisfied until you broke up with me.

The gentleman never loses…

That’s the thing about you Mario, you would never just leave me, I do believe your love for me was fading but you would have stayed with me even if our ship was sinking you would be there with life jackets .. there to the bitter end… so I have to make the big girl decision and walkway.. our relationship is toxic and yes I’m the reason for that, annoying, argumentive, and plain horrible. I’m all that and more, I’m determined, to ruin things for myself.

You know Mario, I can say about 7-10 bad things about you but then again I can say about 30-50 good things about you, so the bad moments don’t hurt me that much because I know you are a good person believe it or not I believe I entered your life just to get you in a good position nice two-bedroom home for you and your mother who needs you (by the way she can’t stay at her cousin’s house forever Mario, she needs her son), your driver license so you can go where you please and a new gaming system to set your mind at ease I was meant to help you in life and that’s it, same for me….you saved me from death those 1st 6 moths we dated you fed me gave my life small meaning you did what you were suppose to do now its time to let go…

I would say I will always love you but that’s a lie…you’re not the love of my life, you were such a yes-man for me which I loved…you were willing to let me take over your whole life to satisfy my fake America dream, you were the closest thing to the “perfect life” I dreamed of, house, marriage, possible kids you were the quickest and easiest way to that but easy isn’t always better and I believe there is something else greater for us out there, I can see it now you a streamer getting at least 150$ a day in donations, your mom coming over or living with you not bothering you as normal and having food on the table for you every day, you have a team you play with every day and a long-distance girlfriend who is crazy about you and yall plan on meeting one day all those things are very possible for you, no matter what you think your life can be nothing but pure happiness if you never give up.

Again… the ending was my new beginning..

Our last encounter was the final straw I genuinely don’t see you as the love of my life anymore, I noticed something with us…the last few months have been horrible for us because we don’t have enough in a common, or basically, we live two different lives together you a job-free gamer, me a job and a talkative character trying to make a name for myself over the internet … we are very different and on top of that our mental health is horrible… I grew to hate you so easily after each argument with no sex or no one-on-one time just us pretending everything is ok…and going back to our responsibilities was killing us slowly… I want more… just like my ex before you I wasn’t satisfied …

I tried to use you so I can achieve my dream faster and of course, it backfired, I’ve been chasing love since my father left me alone and I’m tired I haven’t tried to figure out who charm is just hopping around leaning on my mom and best friend for comfort, I lost money, time, and myself trying to love you and it’s not worth it ….it never was, we have recently escalated to putting our hands on each other unfortunately and now its time to say goodbye, I would say I will always love you but that’s a lie I will always love me and I’m determined to travel, be a wife and one day have a little girl that will be proud to say I’m her mom, that life is for me and it will come in due time. I want a Man, that can touch my body like no other, countless trips, gaming together, learning each-other, and keeping things between ourselves(no messy family drama), I have this vision of me in Japan for a long vacation and as I’m getting in the shower this mysterious man, joins me he washes my back and my hair and whispers dinner is on its way, I got you your favorite and I just bought us this new game to play together … and in that vision I feel this incredible warmth, I know this man is out there and until he finds me I will be working on my self…

That was a lot, if you read this all thank you for reading my mind dumps, I genuinely feel the best I ever felt in my life … I feel like a new beginning is approaching me, a new lifestyle, a new car coming, and graduating college soon… I’m re-defining myself, I’m changing myself for me, I can’t hold on to the past…I got to let this hate and pain go in-order to become a better person…I’m free from the American dream which like they say it’s only a dream cause you’re asleep, Well I’m awake, I’m alive, and I’m free…

Life is short….

Today’s blog post, is coming from a different charm then any of my other blog post. Most of the time I spoke from sadness, stubbornness, and lack of maturity. Today I will be discussing some tips to help you with your partner and also explaining how I came to those conclusions..

I have been engaged for 11 months and 27 days now, to a man I have been dating for 2 years. I never known love like this… it almost has me spoiled to the fact that I sometimes not as appreciative… throughout my 2 year relationship I’m going to be honest me and my fiancée have done the absolute most! Almost 4 breaks, me almost fighting his mother! And also us being childish towards each other….

It has been a journey! Today we argued about something simple yet a big deal depending on the person. We got into it in a fast food line because I was a bit extra, I yell at him thinking he will hit the car in front of us I even called him stupid… I was wrong!! Dead wrong but two wrongs don’t make a right and when my fiancée heard that he flipped..

He starting bringing up my past ! Childish things I may add but nonetheless he was purposely trying to be an asshole, look my fiancée has schizophrenia and I have bipolar disorder and that can be a recipe for disaster!! It’s not an excuse but it has cause a lot of our problems because we are both emotional and or over emotional and he lets his head fill up with bad thoughts….

We ended up working this out after I gave him one of my best speeches lol … I told him look we got 3 options … option 1. one of us eat the shit sandwich and apologize to the other basically admitting they were wrong 2. We ignore the issue pretend like it never happened and let’s go have sex to be double sure lol or 3. We can see if we can find someone better out there… see if you can find a women like me who helped build you gaming room, who always make sure you look and smell good, who thinks of you as much as I do … or I can try to find a man who cooks for me, get me food everyday, even trust him with my moms debit card as she ask him to go buy her something from Walmart… we can try but we will mostly likely fail!

I said all that to him and also said look man when you get mad at me you start to want to prove a point and by doing so you have to bring up all my wrong doings so it can seem like I’m the villain when we both know I’m a good person who just makes mistakes sometimes, when you are too upset to the point we’re you can’t speak kindly or speak without ruining my character detach yourself go play a game I will understand and I will have a hot bath …..cool off get something to eat and try again … but this back and forth one person trying to prove why the other is wrong will kill our relationship and let’s be real we are perfect for each other!! Plain and simple

He agreed, and apologized and so did I !

Quick tips to a happy relationship!!

1. If you don’t have nothing nice to say don’t say nothing at all this is kindergarten rules … learn to respect your partner even when you are mad!

2. Find a hobby and learn to make it your go to thing when in a heated argument pause the conversation respectfully tell you partner “hey I need some time to process thing before I speak let’s continue this later I understand where you are coming from but I need more time please”

3. Life is short sometimes it’s better to apologize and kiss then to argue for hours … make your partner understand their feelings matter and sometimes just throw in the white flag for peace !

Goodbye old friend

Goodbye old friend

This blog post is dedicate to a person I once called a friend and due to mental health issues/just being an asshole … this will essentially be a goodbye and good luck letter to her I have a few blogs post I’m going to dedicate to a lot of people soon the good and the bad and don’t worry I’m not suicidal or going to end it all I just like to speak from the heart and have something good on the internet for people to remember me by lol … ….let’s begin ….

A.G —-

Time … time will heal us all but I know that’s far away for a person like me honestly no creepy shit been thinking about you for the past 3-4 days the 1st thought was genuine let me text her and see how she been … the 2nd thought was more spiteful “why did I accept her “friendship so fast” “why did I let her back in my life ?” we haven’t been friends for 3 years A.G …you have blocked me about once a year either from my real account or a fake one I used to spy on my ex when we was once together but each time i reached out you drew a line in the sand and said no, fool me once shame on me fool me twice same on you… i recently told my fiancé how I was feeling gave him a scenario 1st without telling him the truth and his answer was shocking “bae what would you do if a friend you once knew said something so mean it broke your heart” ??

Bae- “how bad excatly??”

Me- “never mind all that just listen so what if this friend said something bad after you “provoked them” then after years of you reaching out and trying to set things right you keep getting blocked …they finally hit you up tho randomly one day and say hey here’s my number hmu if ever need me what would you do ?”

Bae-“I wouldn’t hit them up or even reach out you know me charm only person I care for is you and my moms i wouldn’t let it affect me”

me-“that’s not the answer I’m looking for but ok”

bae-“ I don’t think you realize how much you got going for yourself seriously..!! I have seen you do things that would take my momma or me years, you just need to let shit go”

As he said that my heart dropped ..girl I live for compliments mixed with truth because it’s rare for me lol

He was right tho, let’s call a spade a spade I was obsessed with our friendship purely because I had abandonment issues …it’s not like I even like you as a friend its was just the idea of losing someone and having them think poorly of me ..didn’t seat right with me..

Yes I hurt you big time , and I like to use the excuse well you hurt me but two wrongs don’t make a right … I was your worst nightmare …a girl who didn’t know her place in this world ..confused and lost

it’s no coincidence our senior year of highschool we became real close … meaning you now skipping school with me to hang with two knuckleheaded boys…

well how is it we both dropped out ?? That year ….You don’t find that suspicious inserts Dr umar Johnson meme .. i dragged you down with me not intentionally but because confusion/misery loves company… I remember like half of the events that caused our 1st fight…

The beginning of the end

…2016 me and you still cool we snap chatting each other tagging each other in twitter post then boom you tell me you’re getting a puppy lol … now you may say now charm ?? how did a puppy ruin y’all friendship well let me tell you..

Surprise surprise I got jealous… like super jealous and I wanted a puppy too dammit !! So I got one then I ask A.G where is yours??… no real answer so now you are a liar to me .. I hop my happy go lucky ass on twitter and start straight throwing shots after shots after shots now there was more to this issue or more stuff in the middle but this was years ago I really can’t remember lol …let’s move forward to the moment I knew I would never be cool with you again deep down

So I’m talking shit on twitter you have me blocked I think so I think I’m free and clear to talk all the shit I want…

ring ring who number is this I’m not answering … 7 seconds later ring ring I answer…
A.G – “bitch do You wanna fight ??”

Me- “you know where I live”

A.G – “you the one with the car pull up”

Me- “I ain’t got my license you pull up don’t you got a license and a car ‘? “

A.G – “bitch you scary af all that ca—- “

me – click

5-10 mins later text from

A.G – “girl you lame af (these are not exact words just a general idea stay with me lol) you scary and your house nasty af and you done had like 2 abortions (laughing emoji)

me-“ bitch bye you better put the phone down before your mom see and beat yo ass ain’t you on punishment?? you a duck ass bitch talking about a Nigga all day that didn’t even want you girl bye (kissing face emoji)

A.G if you’re ever reading this…and ever wondering if you should allow me back into your life ?? Go back to those paragraphs above …that’s your clear answer ….how??? just how ??can we say we were friends saying awful shit like that … til this day I will never trust you

My shame my dirty screct yes world I had an abortion at 17 … still to this day I have regrets but realistically speaking I’m glad yup I said it glad I wasn’t a single mother, but i digress I told you that in confidence how many ppl did you tell if any A.G ?? I know I provoked you but you hit the juggler vein with that one … you have been the only person out of the 4 I told that threw that in my face… how dare you ?

So as you can see we had some flaws so why back in 2018ish we got back cool …why ?? I don’t know … we’ll maybe I do late summer early fall of 2018 your mom came rushing to my moms home

Mrs.A.G -“ hey have your daughter seen my daughter??”

My mom- “ I’m not sure Meci (my childhood nickname) moved out I wouldn’t know”

Mrs A.G- “ok well here is my number have your daughter call me”

My mom then calls me “ baby have you seen that A.G she is missing her mom looking for her”

Me “ scared/shocked no mama what happened she ok ?!?!”

Mom- “I don’t know here is her mom number “

Not sure if. I called your moms but I know I went straight to twitter and by the memory of a crazy bitch type in your user name and there you was (damn I low key sound like Joe from you) ..

goes straight to dms – “hey you ok ?? I’m so scared by the troubling news if you need help or need me to pick you up I don’t care call me !!”

You eventually hit me back we catch up and boom friends again .. I was happy yet still not over those evil words we exchanged years ago but happy nonetheless… it started out as usual a text a call movational txt here and there… then boom trouble and trouble just so happen to be a cute guy with a killer smile

Let’s fast forward all the small moments you know us hanging with these dudes at the park , you a vegan buying chicken for everyone at my crib one day and all you ate was fries lol I’m laughing because that’s how selfless you are always coming through for stuff we had no business doing

Let’s skip the small moments and get to the nitty gritty … the bad moments I remember this gut punching day like it was yesterday

2018 Oct 31st Halloween I throw a party… now if I wasn’t a dumb little girl that party would have just been for us girls 🙂 just watching scary movies drinking wine and feeling comfortable and safe to do so but instead I invited anybody in my shit

One guy gets so drunk after he specifically said I’m Not a drinker and throws up on my floor that dude with the killer smile is recording him putting him on Snapchat tbh that’s a start of a villains origin story ….to be embrassed at a party in front of a girl he like .. smh we all lucky to be alive lol

That night continues we all chilling in the living room you and mr. Smile are just flirting it up so much to the point no lie me and my other friend start texting each other like wow this is cringey lol no offense so y’all flirting even pillow fighting and everyone minding their business now this next part let’s keep it between you and me we all know what happened that night so boom..

*edit ( in the sense of being honest I will tell what happened not only to clear my name but so you A.G if you ever read this fully u will know … after y’all pillow fought y’all went to the bathroom you wasn’t stumbling he wasn’t dragging you y’all both got up like functioning adults and went to the bathroom now what happened in that bathroom only 3 ppl know you, mr.smiles and our mutual friend who walked in on y’all , …now you are telling me you were in a position where you felt this man is hurting you …then why not say anything when our mutual friend walked in on you all ??? why not like U have done a million times before tell me to meet you in the bathroom turn on the water and tell me what’s wrong ??)*

Everyone leave just me you and our other girl friend don’t remember if we stay up later talking or went straight to bed but everything was good like really good I believed that next weekend we went to the pound and I kid you not we got tested I think it snowed that day …nothing out of the ordinary til mr. Smiles baby mama calls me questioning me

Mr. Smiles baby mama -“what happened at your party between your friend and my baby daddy”

me- ( not being a snitch cause if her man like to cheat then he gone cheat ) girl nothing your babydaddy wasn’t even there long why ??”

Mr. Smile Baby mama- “well that’s not what I heard I’m at the store where A.G mama work and she told me you and my babydaddy took advantage of her (aka i set her up to be r*ped !)

Me- “* stomach drops* wtf are you talking about ?? I literally seen her this weekend she is my friend 1. I would never do that and 2. if this true your babydaddy a deadman”

Mr. Smile baby momma-“ girl I don’t know what going on I’m just asking you..”

Me- “ I will get to the bottom of it”

…*Calls A.G. *

Me- “ hey i just got some disturbing news you can tell me the truth did mr. Smiles hurt you “

A.G- “huh girl what are u talking about”

I proceed to tell you what’s going on you are shocked and want to fight ole girl for spreading lies ….me … I’m still hurt cause I was just accused of setting up a “r*pe” decided to ignore it I even went as far to asking a few ppl at the party that night did they hear or see anything strange and nothing …where did this awful awful rumor come from..

You.. you let someone convince you I would do such a thing just to cover up your own shame I could have been jailed just because you were embrassed or didn’t like me …

After this our friendship tank fast last time I saw you … you was flirting with this guy at a party I invited you to… i invited you to heal be open and talk…wanted you to meet my new guru of a friend that I’m surprise surprise no longer friends with and almost like a jealous ex I wonder … why are u like this ?? i judged you so fast that night off shit I did daily in my past and I went home and just like u did many years ago i blocked you on everything…

That’s basically what lead us here now, after that situation u said girl fuck me for 3 years straight ….I remember inboxing you no lie on the verge ending my life one night low-key just wanted to tell you and many others goodbye and you blocked 3 mins after i sent the dm as you SHOULD and I knew that day …that was it !!!! STOP chasing a dead friendship I fucked up !!! I need to grow tf up !!

4-5 months after that I’m scrolling on TikTok and see your video lol now this is embrassing but i contemplated on should i like your video didn’t wanna seem obsessed or like I went looking for you ….your page found me (fyp) and I just liked it … I thought the video was well made and I like it and move on two days later I get a dm with your cell number

“call me if you ever wanna talk” you stated all those bad thoughts all the times you ignored /blocked me i instantly ignored lol I responded faster than a rabbit in a race lol yay a friend!!! Holy crap I’m actually feeling bad today I mean I did just had an apartment fire last week so your timing was perfect!

But our past is too tainted we attempted to talk I called you like twice and talked 90% of the time even text u and asked for advice about our new home which btw we went with a different home 🙂 much better neighborhood …but as per usual with adults we got busy … we both work full time i assume and I’m a senior in college our time is valuable !!!

So I text you a little paragraph ….I’m Kidding it was the size of the declaration of independence lol you don’t respond I’m thinking you are busy it’s only been a day til i ask our mutual friend u heared from A.G ?? (Concerned I mean you are in a big new city hoping all was well genuinely)
Our mutual friend responded with a “yeah she straight why ??”

me – “oh starting to think what you said about us getting back cool wasn’t a good idea I think you were right” …

She was right …

You have no need for me or interest in me I’m a girl who we can argue I ruined your life yeah you grown yeah I never forced you to do SHIT but I was a bad influence and that was enough and I know you tired A.G you have a good spirit you just want to be treated well and to be lapped in luxury you have a dream that you will fight for til your death you are respectable and kind you only ever do spiteful or mean shit when someone provokes …you I believe you have a lot of bulit up anger and you have no real way to release it …

Who was the girl you knew all those years

Look I’m beautiful I’m kind I’m smart and funny but I’m also stupid, ugly, mean and just crazy.. I never had a sense of self I always and I mean always hated me.. the short dark skin fat girl that is me.. but look I’m 24 soon 25 and engaged to be married I need to grow up there is no real reason I should be typing a damn essay about a girl who could give af less …..you got DREAMS .. real dreams and so do I … I put so much negative and good energy into our friendship… I completely neglected my baby sisters man and to this day I can barely see my niece I cash app my sister $200 a month and keep it pushing because the relationship between is ruined

… I ruined my life but I’m on the road to rebuilding …this is a 5 year battle I had with myself about you a person who want nothing but happiness and peace i made war with a innocent girl(you) and because of that I don’t deserve to see you at your best or be apart of that journey of growth and you, never apart of mines.

The real apology

… I apologize you even met me and one thing I can say God will be there for us more than we could have ever been there for each other .. I pray for the women you will become one day (: may your peace be protected!!! Goodbye old friend ❤ , if only I was smarter and knew myself more.

Humanity,

I just finished watching the season finale of Euphoria, and I gotta tell yall… I feel the farthest thing from alone right now. Life in all honesty without sounding completely hopeless is but a game or even a dream if you will. Its a game of fate and your fate lies entirely in your actions or even lack thereof. I wonder why my particular generation is suffering the most with anxiety and depression, yeah we can blame it on the media and society for making mental health issues essentially mainstream. I am here to tell you, you are not crazy and there is nothing wrong with you or your life, it’s all that you make it be. Choose what matters to you, for some they want to make a difference, some want to live as one with the earth and take in as much as possible. Either way I will tell you, happiness is something that can never truly be obtain, because you will have bad days.. a lot of them actually and if you always think negative you will receive just that, 7 billion people in this world, not all of us will be millionaires, not all us will follow and complete our dreams… Some of us have to make your order at McDonald’s, some of us save your loved ones in hospitals, some of us will teach the youth. We all have different dreams and goals and the earth will not stop just because things don’t go your way. As Elon musk once said sarcastically ” love is the answer”. To all of the human troubles, being a human only means you are more aware and because of that, we have to be responsible. Yes, we will mistake some worse than others, but if you find love in yourself, if you are willing to forgive others and forgive yourself you will at that moment understand Who and What God is… God is, the best parts of us, and the reason we can get up another day and figure it out because life is less of the little/bad things and more of the intangible things like good memories or that feeling you get around the holidays…In its purest form, it’s stronger than any drug you can create … love

Why you should focus on yourself…

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Hey, back with another blog post lets skip the funny, badly grammar intro and let’s get straight in to this..

Today, we are talking about why you should focus on yourself… I was going to say something along the lines of … in your early teens or 20’s you should always stay focused on yourself….but you should always focus on yourself or put yourself first especially if you are not were you want to be in life no matter your age….

I have a confession … recently I made a blog post titled could he be the one? and I got to tell you guys he wasn’t I knew from the moment I met him he wasn’t…. I wasn’t content with lying to myself and pretending he was just for the sake of having someone and not being lonely… I been searching for the perfect love probably since I was 12… I never had my father in my life, and because of that I been missing and yearning for a male figure in my life…

A guy to love me unconditionally, teach me things, help me when needed, and etc… but the more I put myself out there, the more I get my hopes up and the more mistakes I tend to make… every time I get with a guy my life slowly starts to slip away… my money becomes his money and instead of treating myself to things I normally do like getting my nails done, instead I take that money and put it in to who ever I am with at the time  whether it be food, clothing, or hell even gas for his car I go above and beyond and I tend to lose myself… How the hell can I focus on another human being when I can’t even take care of myself ??

I even go as far as changing my life plans/style, I will get distracted in school and tell myself …”Oh, you don’t need college find a decent job and start saving, so maybe you and Mr.so &so can get your own place” … I lose who I am every single time and it only hurts me …

FOCUS on yourself, stick to whatever plan God has for you… Dont get astray… find your passion take that leap… we all have something in us that could help or allow us to be successful, but we tend to lose that something… chasing something that isn’t meant for us and it’s not good for you, at all.

Relationship can wait, Friendships if they are real can stand a month or two without talking daily find some time to do something in the words of my favorite Tyler the creator song …. find some time to do something that benefits your life goals… everything else can wait…

Life isn’t easy. Getting to where you need to be in life wont be easy, you might have to work a crappy job just to make ends meet but remember its only temporary, once you find your calling do whatever it takes to meet your goals …

I have a new life plan…. I’m been thinking about my life lately as per usually but, I come to many realization and truths about myself. I have stop lying to myself about the world around me and accepted things for what they are…here are a few tips to find your calling

  1.  having a passion is different from having a career… your passion might not make a living it can if you want it to be, but be prepared…. it may not 
  2. don’t listen to the masses you don’t need college if you can’t find a career that fits a major in a certain college …. create your own path
  3. take that leap of faith you will regret not doing it trust me 
  4. trust your gut listen to yourself im sure you won’t steer yourself wrong
  5. have faith !
  6. create a life plan! follow every step no matter how long it takes

After taking my own advice, I feel as though its only right to give you guys my new and improved life plan before… on my old life plan I wanted to move out when I graduated nursing school, become a nurse and blah,blah, blah. My new life plan is revised and realistic and still helps me complete my goals ….

New life plan….

  1. get license ✓ *as of last week I’m officially a legal driver* after 3 years of failing… never give up
  2. get a car
  3. find a job full or part-time depending on school schedule
  4. start a savings put back at least $50-100 every month in savings account
  5. get a small apartment maybe just for a year if I don’t finish college within 1-2 years I may move back to focus on school
  6. change major !?!? yes! to healthcare management, easier more flexible work environment that suits me more.
  7. graduate by 2019
  8. find a job preferably at a clinic, hospital, or children’s hospital
  9. start a business or perfect my YouTube channel subscribe  here
  10. maybe move to a different state ?
  11. buy a home!
  12. travel!

We that’s all folks see you next blog post hope you enjoyed and it helped at least one person…never give up follow your dreams and don’t lose the faith !!!!!!!!

Accepting Defeat…

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Hey you guys, I know, I Know I havent posted in a while, but life has been kicking my ass nothing new though. I  have a lot to tell you guys especially since it seems my whole life has gone to shit…. Today, we are talking about nursing school…. yeah here we go again…

I named this post, and a YouTube video subscribe here “accepting defeat” because in a sense I am giving up, I don’t like to give up on things. My whole life I’ve been a quitter, but right now in my life, I just can’t lie to myself anymore… it’s exhausting. When I first decided to be a nurse or go to nursing school, you want to know what my number one reason was for going to nursing school?…. The MONEY, and the second was because I thought I would look cute in scrubs … I know, I know you might want to say “charmecia how could you base your entire life or career for a cute uniform” I was 17 sue me…

In all honesty, I knew I couldn’t complete nursing the moment I talked to a woman who calls herself nursenicole at least that’s on her name on instagram and snapchat, she amongst many I reached out to for guidance and the truth, told me many things …I asked them a number of questions like is was hard? is it good money? why did you choose nursing? blah, blah, blah and across the board I got the same discouraging answers, but whats different about what nurse Nicole had to say to me will always stick with me. She said something along the lines of  “this career is draining, I barely get to see my son it’s incredibly stressful, is the money good? yeah, of course your basically a doctor, but the work is demanding and extremely hard and now I am stuck here thousands of dollars in debt with a degree I despise” When she told me that all my warning signs went up!

…But I ignored them for the sake of lying to myself… I told myself hey if you study for hours you should be fine *I wasnt* if you don’t get a job and focus completely on school you should me fine, but I wasnt. I was the farthest thing from fine, I had somehow lied to myself for so long that I truly believe it, I mean come on I barely graduated highschool how the hell was I going to be able to complete nursing school, Now I know you might want to say something encouraging, like don’t give up! you can do this!, but the simple fact of the matter is that I can’t do this, I just CANT, I have waved the white flag and i am accepting defeat, and that’s fine.

But, Hey, look on the bright side I think I have found a career that can accommodate my needs/lifestyle, something that’s not as stressful as nursing school and something that makes a good enough living like nursing, That career is healthcare management… I was told by an advisor 35-40% of nurses try to go for a healthcare management degree, I hate I didn’t find this career sooner, but on the bright side I have bout ten classes already completed! I should if I switch my major next year be done in a year! and im excited again. I have hope! I feel as though this is the pep talk I needed for myself years ago..

The older you get the more you become more realistic! and the more you understand exactly what you want out of life, and im slowing getting there I understand what I can and can’t do… I’m not a genius so school will be hard for me, but I can make it easier on myself by understanding what I can and can’t do, I am learning to get over my jealous, competitive, and show-offy behaviors…college is not a race, I can’t be trying to finish faster than the next man. I have to stay focus and stay on my path…. This is something I need to do for me and only me …

To wrap this post up, I want to give you guys a few tips. Just because I would like this post to at least help one person… instead of it just being an unhealthy way for me to vent online …. these are a few tips I have on how to choose a career that suits you!

  1. Think of something you are truly passionate about…seriously anything if you are passionate about Barbie dolls … then put that into consideration
  2. Take an online or paper career test or personality test https://v6.typefocus.com is a good company/website that helps determine what type of job suits you best
  3. Do intensive research on a career you are interested in, look up the salary in different states as well as your own, look up the job outlook, and the responsibilities of that job requirement
  4. Determine what type of person you are, and be brutally honest, are you lazy? are you a morning person, are you a night owl, are you an active person and have high energy or do you prefer a quite rather work alone type of job
  5. DONT lie to yourself, If you know your not a morning person or a person who doesn’t like the same everyday routine then maybe you shouldnt be a teacher 
  6. Dont follow the money, you will regret it in the long run ! 
  7. Lastly ask for help reach out to people in the same career field that you are choosing remember in life you grow you never know what the future holds so it’s best to pick a career that is your type of flexible

Ok guys that’s all I have for you, im Charmecia thanks for joining me see you next week or maybe month for another depressing ass blog, don’t forget to tip your waitress Goodnight! and drive safe!

Could he be the one?

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Hey you guys, sorry I havent posted in a while, nursing school is kicking my ass right now, but today I am so excited and I just want to give you guys a little update on whats going in my life right now..

I been asking God to send me somebody who cares about me and wont leave me since 2014, and I think he finally answered my prayers, but before I tell you about this wonderful man let me tell you about the last guy I was recently seeing…. so as you guys may or may not remember, I was seeing this guy who was giving me mixed emotions, lets just call him Adam, Adam and I met this past summer and had what a 17-year-old might say was fun… but I started to notice how this guy would use me…

We went out a total of 9 times, and I paid for all expect one, He would only come over at night trying to have sex and when I refused he left, He would txt me back at least 6 hours between each text, and once he honestly had the nerve to ask me for $300… and I was so close to giving it to him, only because I just like to help people when I am able, and he “said” he wanted more from me…(yeah about $300 more), but in all seriousness he said he wanted a relationship with me, but treated me like I was some girl he thought he could use…

We actually got into a bad argument 1 week before I met what I want to call my future husband possibly, I told him how I felt and why I think he doesn’t care and how we should spend sometime apart…. you know what his responds was..No not “I like you and want to see where things go”, not a “baby im sorry I will do better” but a “you still gone loan me $300 right ?” The nerve I blocked his number admittedly… a couple of days later I started texting this guy…

This guy was so upfront and honest it blew me away. The day we met he came to pick me up and we went to Starbucks… He opened my door for me and the moment we met til the moment he dropped me off we TALKED like actually had a conversation about our future, We had so much in common and it was so beautiful, I thought to myself could he be what I had been waiting for, crying for and praying to God for…for all these years…

Last week He came over with flowers and asked me to be his girlfriend and gave me a promise ring a week later… No This isn’t some fairy tale I read years ago, this actually happened to me! something I dreamed of, as I am writing this crazily I am planning out our future, him being at my graduation for when I graduate nursing school, me being at his graduation for when he graduates law school, him helping me when I feel down, us moving in together, us getting engaged and telling our mothers, us having a small outdoors wedding or possibly running off to Vegas to get married, Us in paris for our honeymoon, us working hard and building an amazing life together, us traveling, us having a beautiful baby together, us celebrating holidays and growing old together… I know I sound crazy but if you been hurt as many times as I have you would get excited too..

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I knew something was special with him because the devil tried to admittedly ruin this for me, The night before he asked me out, my ex asked to come over I never got closure from him and havent seen him in two years, it was so bizarre to me that he finally contacts me once I thought I’ve found someone… and I wont lie I thought about inviting him over to talk about us…but instead I let it go and I facetimed the man I see so much potential in and I couldn’t be more excited…. To building a future and one day loving you and only you!

Are you fake ?

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Today’s blog post is more of a vent than actually advice or tips, well both, but today’s subject is something that I have noticed a lot about my generation, it’s the obsession with calling someone fake or people actually being fake so lets argue….

We have all done something that someone might consider fake…. When I was in high school I did some really shady things to people/friends and made some pretty poor life decision and I will always be ashamed of my actions, things I use to do include, showing off too much (well sometimes still do), pretending a situation is better than what it actually is, talking shit about friends, etc. I definitely wasn’t the model teenager or friend but after losing a friend and having karma whoop my ass, I learned how to be a better and more mature person.

Not everyone is fake, the line between being fake and being proud of yourself or hell having a different opinion than others is quite thin, but you have to be mature enough to understand the difference for example, If you get a new car, its ok to want to post it on social media and be proud of yourself that’s not fake…. the fakeness comes when you try to pretend like you never didn’t have a car at one point, like you never struggled, and making other people or someone you could call a friend feel bad about their situation. If you have a friend that rides the bus constantly saying things like “I don’t know how y’all be so old and not have a car” is very inconsiderate. The problem with a lot of people is they pretending they don’t struggle or overly bragging its the reason we all at one point lose friends, because we not mature enough and every small thing u do that is considered fake, you just cover it up as they just hating….No, u don’t go up to a homeless person and brag about buying a new home…

You doing better than me, that’s great keep up the good work, you not doing as good as me, that’s ok things take time️. Be understanding and mature. Not everyone is going to have it as good as you, even if you don’t know it people secretly go through things and you just have to be mature enough to understand that….

TIPS ON HOW TO BE MORE UNDERSTANDING!!!

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#1 DONT ASSUME

Don’t assume that friend that has a mom and a dad has prefect life, I grew up without a dad and envied everyone who did, I assumed if you had a mother and a father in your life it was great, but that might not be the case every time… I have had friends who had their mom and dad and was abused and mistreated in their household, it’s not safe or nice to assume, be kind to everyone… and vise versa don’t assume because I didn’t have a dad life was horrible. My mom and grandmother made my childhood magical. I can’t remember a christmas where I didn’t get exactly what I asked for. They will always and forever be apart of me!

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#2 DON’T OVER DO IT

I have this bad on social media where I over do almost everything, I brag too much, I vent too much, I overreact too much I recently thought I lost all my friends over a disagreement and that wasn’t the case at all…. IM VERY EXTRA !!!! Although on social media its safe for me to sometimes over do things, only because my friends aren’t as social media driven as me, and also, what I post on social media, I don’t exactly say to my friends, for example on my twitter it looks like I’m having fun in college and I study everyday, when I talk to my friends I am a bit more open. I tell them how I failed a test, and how my professor is so horrible, I be frank with my friends and a little more private on social media. Know the difference if everything is not ok, it’s not ok! Of course you don’t have to share that information with your friends, if you don’t want to but don’t pretend or rub in their face that everything is fine, because it might not be for them!

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#3 COMMUNICATION

Since I am not a mind reader, I don’t know how someone feels, if they don’t tell me. I can say something that offends you, and make you upset, and if you never tell me and just decide to hate me for it, talk down toward me, or cut me off for it… Its immature, Yes! you can make the decision to not want to be around someone for what they said/did or how they treat you, but at least tell them how you feel or what they did, so that person doesn’t have to wonder and can make a change and or apology.

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#4 BE HUMBLE

Kendrick Lamar said it best, be humble seat down!!! Here’s a small story I have to share…I remember once I dropped out of high school and for a good 6 months I didn’t have a diploma or didn’t know how I was going to graduate, and by the grace of God I ended up getting my diploma, and once I did you couldn’t tell me shit! I was posting my diploma on Facebook, Twitter, and the whole world just letting people know I made it like 6 months ago I wasn’t scared shitless, and at the time I had a friend or in all honesty a friendmeny (a person who is considered a friend but deep down y’all mistreat each other) that didn’t graduate high school either and while I was posting all this, I didn’t give two fucks about her feeling, and that to me, what I did was very fake! So you have to humble yourself and remember where you came from!!

So that’s all I have for you guys, just thought I’d vent and try to help people from making the same mistakes I did. When you are younger and more immature… the hunger for success or to be the first at something is real, and you have to not lose yourself in jealousy or envy!!!

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Skin care routine from an acne riddle adult ?

Hey everyone today I am here with hopefully a short and sweet blog post, about my skin care routine, before I give you all my secrets let me give you a little history on my skin…

I have had acne since the 6th grade, and each year of life I gain it grows worst! Not sure what the hell is going on but I am definitely visiting a dermatologist really soon, I mostly have really oily skin which causes my breakouts, but I have created a routine, where each month I have fewer and fewer breakouts, and I even managed to get rid of a couple of dark spots and here is how I did it …

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  1. Find your skin type and what works best for you!!

Please visit a dermatologist unlike me. we all have different skin types…. I could be allergic to something I am using now! and wouldn’t even know it because I havent seen a doctor about my skin, so do as I say and not as I do and visit your local dermatologist !!

2. Create a routine !

I like to at least wash my face twice a day. Once in the morning, and Once before I go to bed, that usually works for me, but some people need more some people need least times to wash their face, So find something that is comfortable for your skin type, whether it’s once a day or 4 times a day do research and figure what is best for you!

 

3. Natural products !

Natural anything is way better than the chemically process stuff. If you can’t afford a dermatologist and don’t know if your skin can handle certain types of skin care products always go the natural route, you can make your on face mask out of simply honey, lemon juice, and cinnamon. It all depends on what your skin can handle. My favorite place to shop for natural products, if I am not making them myself is amazon they have lots of good natural products for cheap!! just make sure you read the ingredient list before you buy!!

4. DRINK WATER

drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water dink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water and drink water !!!! healthy skin loves plenty of water !!!!!!

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5. Your diet

Sorry to say this, but being healthy is absolutely necessary to have good skin and overall good health… Try a richer diet in vegetables and fruits avoid starchy foods and too much sugars like sodas, but again this all depends on you, You could be allergic to certain things, and you may have notice certain foods that may not be considered healthy could potentially make your skin glow, and if that’s the case whatever floats your boat!

6. WASH YOUR HANDS

Please don’t touch your face or pick at your face…and always wash your hands the dirt and oil that is on your hands and finger tips really can hurt your skin!! so be clean and safe please !!!

Ok, that’s all I have for you guys today and for a surprise, here is my skin care routine

  1. Wake up drink 1 bottle of water
  2. Wash face with oil-free ance wash pink grapefruit by Neutogena
  3. Make bae tea or any detox or any complexion tea that I may have, make a cup drink it by noon
  4. Use Hawaiian face toner throughout the day when my face gets too oily…
  5. Around bed time wash face throughly with warm water
  6. Use either my avocado mask or Manuka honey brighten mask or any mask I have available, put on face for 5 mins before washing off with warm or cold water
  7. Take a make up wipe and put Hawaiian facial toner on it and gently wash face for any extra dirt that could be lingering around

And that’s it you guys if you want to see this in action subscribe to my YouTube channel  will upload routine soon !!!here

Weight loss tips from a fat chick…

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Hey, everyone lucky charm here back with another blog post, I would like to take some time and thank everyone who has recently followed my account, that really makes me happy, and also if you guys could subscribe to my YouTube channel here I would appreciate it!

Ok, so let’s get into today’s blog post today since I lost 5 pounds this week, (high fives myself) I decided to give some tips and advice on weight loss. Now I know some asshole may say, how can you give me advice on weight lost when you finding all the weight you trying to lose?…HA HA very funny (cries on the inside), but don’t judge a book by its cover. I have lost huge amounts of weight 2 times in my 20 years of living once. I once lost 60 pounds, the other time I lose 45, and I am here to tell you how I did it. This is what I will be doing for the remainder of the year. I will upload my result  towards the end of December!

Tip #1 DRINK WATER

We all have heard the drink water tip at least a million times, but drinking water is very crucial in your diet, you know if you kind of like living. I usually drink water when I am feeling hungry and it’s not time for me to eat yet, try drinking a gallon or at least 3 bottles of water a day! stay hydrated and healthy!

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Tip #2 Schedule what time you eat!

This tip is very important…. TIMING is everything, especially depending on your metabolism. Try to eat 3 meals a day with 2 light snacks whenever you feel a little hungry. Put yourself on a strict schedule, so your body can get use to it. What I like to do for breakfast is wake up between 8-9 am, and either have Cheerios or frosted flakes with a banana, or if I want something hot I will make a waffle with blueberries on top…. for lunch, which is between 1-2 pm for me I usually eat a salad with no meat or a microwaveable Lean Cuisine meal, around 4 pm I eat a light snack, then around 7 pm I have dinner, which is usually some form of meat… chicken,turkey,or meatballs with a side of two types of vegetables, and I try my very best not to eat after 8 pm, but if I have to I have a light snack maybe yogurt, some fruit, or a granola bar usually around 10 pm or hour before I go to bed.

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Tip #3 Get up and exercise

This has and always will be hard for me, I hate and love to work out. I love going to the gym, but I don’t really have transportation to go as much as I want to, so 90% of the time I go for jogs around my neighborhood, its the worst yet sometimes is very therapeutic for me, it helps me sweat, but if I am extra lazy I just go to YouTube type in beginners work out and do that instead.

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Tip #4 You have to stick to it! Find motivation

You have to find a good reason to stay motivated, granted when I lost all the weight the first two times, it wasnt for me. It was to be more acceptable for my highschool image instead of for myself or health, reason I gained all the weight back after highschool, then the second time I lost weight was because of my ex, he broke up with me and I wanted him to see what he had lost, and that wasnt a good reason either. That’s the reason I gained it all back, because I wasn’t doing it for myself or for a better lifestyle. Do it for you and you only!

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# 5 Eating healthy

Honestly this is probably the hardest thing about weight loss, not because healthy food is nasty. You can find tons of recipes for something you like.No, but because its expensive. A salad at McDonald’s is $4.99, but a double cheese burger a $1. It really is hard to be healthy and be broke, but you can always purchase microwaveable meals that usually go for a $1-3, also cook food in bulk, meal prep is key. You can make a huge pot of chicken soup that can last for a week or two, Now, it’s gone be hard just eating chicken soup for two weeks, but it’s food and it’s healthy. You just have to budget and use coupons!

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Well, you guys that’s all I have for you today, hopefully I can stick to this plan myself. My goal is to lose 30 pounds by December, and I am sure I can do it, and so can you! Just remember you are doing this for yourself and nobody else!! =)