Ahhh… here we are again, hello good people, and by good people I mean the 3 faithful followers that like my every post. Here with more mind dumps. This is the 1st time I actually don’t want to really blog (i want a therapist), but I feel as though, I should. It’s always been the way I grieve/ get things off my chest but in all honesty… I’m changing…
I lost, I lost everything I thought I ever wanted in a split second. Things happen so fast. One day you and a person can be close, really close, and then one day you will be strangers and there is nothing that can be done about it. I lost friend after friend, lover after, lover. I lost things I believed would last forever. Things seem to always end with me, the logical way of thinking is saying I’m the problem, I’m the source of misery and pain, but I beg to differ.
What type of friend am I, the one that cares, but also the one that judges. I would give a friend everything I have but in the same breath, I would start to hate them if I didn’t get that same treatment in return, meaning if I gave a friend $40 to pay a cell phone bill, the next time I get on hard times I expect to borrow that same amount back without having to pay you back, that’s how I like my friendships, equal, open, honest and forgiving.
I am the type of lover that wants you to be at your best, I want others to look at you/us and envy us, yes I know that’s a bad thing to do but I want the world to see you, have it all and you have it all because of me, because of we. I like to be in control because I know the way. I can lead you into greatness if you just trust me and have my back. All I ever wanted in this life was for a man to choose me, for a man to say, ” see her, don’t touch or hurt her I am protecting her” I wanted my father to love me and he never could, I wanted my 1st love to hear I was pregnant and hold me and say let’s raise our family, not punch me in the stomach as a surprise hoping I would miscarry the baby, I wanted my true love (my recent Ex) to look me in the eyes and say I am the one and tell his insane mother to fuck off! I just wanted someone to choose me!
I talk to God every day, and every damn day I can’t escape his judgment, I can’t escape his words, they are so true and it cuts like a knife but is also soothing like aloe vera. He tells me the mistakes I made as soon as I calm down, because only then will I listen. My mouth and actions have gotten me in a lot of trouble, and as I self reflect and try to change I realized the rest of the world doesn’t have to, If someone doesn’t think the way they are living or acting is bad then they will simply never change, My ex loved his life.. He loved his over-bearing mother, his video games, his bad hygiene/health, staying in the house, and his shitty clothes lol. It was enough for him, and if I didn’t try to change him, I truly believed he would’ve been just fine.
People will constantly look for flaws in other people, so they don’t have to deal with themselves. It’s honestly the most damaging thing I have ever seen, and when you realize, that while you are fighting for change and bettering yourself, thanks to the unkind words of others …that pain you have to endure is worth it because at least you are dealing with that pain head-on instead of burying it deep inside, unlike others that only judge you, and not themselves.
So, if you still reading I have just been rambling, but just like my old posts, there is a reason I am here, a big event happened in my life recently, and it still is on my mind..so here it is… Before I get into all that, I would like to make a weird statement for a friend that could be seeing this, let’s call her Misses T, I want to start by thanking her, of all people I’ve met, she was this most genuine, She was herself at any cost. Was she perfect? no, but she never did any true harm to me… the worst thing I can say about her is she never reciprocated my energy, especially if I was in need, meaning if she needed help, I came running. If I needed help …well too bad… I should have never disrespected her, which is fair regardless of the circumstances…, but I want to say this..We had this weird realization once that we are living the same life but since she was a few years older than me, she was always a chapter ahead of me and I could never comprehend how she made her life choices until I caught up with her…and believe you me, I caught up with her… matter of fact it was the same exact situation she was in about 3 years ago…..
March 21st, 2022… I lost the love of my life, don’t worry he is not dead. This day was the worst and most abusive day of my life… and I started it, but I certainly did not finish it. Let’s get into it… I and my Ex were always on rocky terms for close to a full year now, a lot of stupid arguments and a lot of loving days, but the bad days were outweighing the good by far. We had an opportunity to start fresh, a new home, fully furnished and all we had to do was get along… Now whether we blame this on mental health or just plain two people being together that shouldn’t. Our relationship had problems that could be fixed but it takes TWO! and I felt as though I was in a relationship with myself doing the things I wanted to do buying the things I wanted to buy, building this perfect American life for us, and trying to create memories and moments of peace in our relationship and it seems like whenever we made a huge step in the right direction. We made 10 steps backward each time.
Our love was circumstantial, meaning we only loved each other if the other person was doing or acting how we wanted them to. Although that’s how a lot of relationships work, we both had mental health issues meaning when one of us wasn’t behaving ideally, the other person had to know how to step away, or calm that person down. Otherwise, all hell would break loose, and let me tell you, all hell broke loses multiple times during our relationship, but this last time the Gates of hell were opened wide and they can never be closed again…
March 21st, 2022 8:17 am, actually I’m getting ahead of myself before I tell you about the worst day ever, I have to tell you what led up to it. We (me and my ex) living life as normal, I mean, I have my complaints… one being he never puts the toilet seat down or helps around the house…I mention it over and over… and I think that day…he gave me a snarky remark I didn’t like, and we moved on about our day though, we handle business headed back home to get ready for the movies, We only had about $20 on us, after I bought the movie tickets for that night… and on top of that We hadn’t eaten all day, and he tells me his sick cousin in the hospital wants some food, I tell him “hey we pretty broke we can bring her something tomorrow.” When I get paid….he says that’s rude….
So I say… fuck it … Calling his bluff…” let’s go give her out last…here take the money go get your cousin some food” I say.. He says no you have to come with me, doing this little antagonizing thing that I hate, saying something he doesn’t mean, to make me feel bad, and when I take him up on his offer he makes me feel like more crap… classic narcissist. We get in the car and head to get his cousin some food, we argue the whole time I get flustered and a bit mean, he says something about tinting his car. I say fuck his car classic, childish shit… we argue and argue and he just loses it…
We, drove to his mother’s shop he parks in the back of her shop and waited, and waited, and waited, we missed the movie and didn’t talk for 3 hours … I get fed up with the mind games I get out of the car and walk to my friend’s house about a 2 miles away… I get there … and she is not there… so I called an emergency line, that called my mother, (i had no cell service) and I went home with my mother and slept on the hardwood floors of her home.. I gave in and texted him hoping he would pick me up, and we’d go home maybe talk and I could take a much-needed shower and sleep in a comfortable bed… but no in his eyes, I had to be punished..
“I am sick of your shit, you stay your ass there I will come to get you when I feel like,” he says.. I cried myself to sleep uncomfortable and I reeked, The morning comes… I’m hoping he is ready to forgive me and talk and I can finally take the much-needed shower and feed my dogs who have been home alone for 18 hours at this point, but no.. the morning comes and the games begin… “I am not letting you in the house, if you wanna talk you can meet me at the place you walked away from,” he said… I say let’s meet at the house my mom can take me and I need to feed my dogs… “No,” he says… So my hand is forced, I’m tired annoyed and over it but my dogs need me, everything I own is in that house. That house that I… I made a home… He was not allowing me to be in it, because he said so, the home I have paid over 800$ in bills that month alone, I was not allowed in unless I changed my attitude… fucking prick.
Let’s skip a few details, that arent important to get to the point, I meet him, I talk to them we head home.. I feed my dogs and decide we all had a bad day, especially my little babies.. Let’s go to the duck pond.. I said.. we all get dressed up and for those few hours.. at the park…We were a family. It was like the calm before the storm… Everything felt right… but it wasn’t over.. Now, this is the part of the story where I tell what I did wrong because in every situation there is never really a person who is innocent… right.. well maybe that isn’t always correct…
We leave the park to get his cousin, some more food, and head to the grocery store, I pick up a few items to last a week and we head home.. before we got out of the car, I explained where my head was at …because I didn’t want the silence to be my compliance. I tell him ” Look, I love you but after yesterday I can’t look at you the same, I’m tired of crying and twisting my mind and you never seem to understand me, I don’t want to be with you, but I love you.” and that was the butterfly, you know the butterfly effect, if a butterfly flaps its wings it can start a series of unknown events and that one statement I made, started our apocalypse.
He starts to breathe heavily, He then lights a cigarette… and in the simplest terms.. Tell me you are not allowed in the house because of your bad mouth. Again that is not exactly what he said but that was the point.. I cry in frustration and eventually we go into the house… I bet he regrets that now, But it was my saving grace… we get in and we don’t speak a word… I ask him to bring in the groceries or they will spoil, he refuses and I couldn’t do it because I didn’t have the keys and after being basically locked out of the house for the past 24 hours, I wasn’t taking that chance.. so the food spoils and he plays video games… I started to pack my shit, not like I really had a plan because my life is a mess right now, but I wanted the place to feel less homey.. I wanted the image of “You need to get the Fuck out as soon as you can” all around me. I then cooked dinner, ate, and went to bed…
The night goes by and morning comes, he crawls in bed, Now this is the point of the story where if I was a little more mature the next few events would have never happened. He gets in bed and I say no, I don’t want you in my room, you have a room go to yours … He tells me to chill out… so let’s play a game did I ….A. chill out and go back to sleep B. go sleep on the couch, and let him have the bed for the day. or C. push his ass out of bed. ……
Did you pick an answer, if you know me by now, then you’ll know the answer is C, cause I’m a gremlin lol. I pushed him off the bed twice and he dragged me like a rag doll. It wasn’t a big deal to me honestly but he was livid, I’m assuming he called his mom, cause he told me I had to leave and I stated .. No, I have my rights and I have bills in my name so fuck you and if you don’t believe me, I can call the police and they can tell you my rights … So I called the police .. and so this story doesn’t get so confusing because the police were called 3 times that day!! I will number them… anyways.. So I call the police #911 number 1, and they come they try to tell him to leave than me, and when we both refused they were like ok well just be cool and they left…But by that time that queen bitch herself arrived his cold lonely mother had entered the chat….
After the cops leave My ex, goes mad, oh you want to stay here, ok well let’s make it uncomfortable for you, let’s take down the curtains, let’s turn off all electricity, and let me just annoy the shit out of you till you leave… his mother comes in for some reason and now they are both in my face just spewing hateful/awful things, ” your mother hates you, you stupid, you need help, you need to leave, you so dumb” they say.. I am just recording them and talking back going with the flow and boom, his mom gets out her body (slang for do some crazy shit) and knocks my phone out my hand, Now I’m small compared to this woman, but when I say the strength of God possessed my body and I pushed her and got my phone back, then I admittedly call the police again… If you were counting that’s #911 number 2.
I called the cops to get that bitch off my property and they did, Thank you, Shreveport police.. Now after this, The story is going to turn in my favor, God created the perfect escape plan for me, and let me tell you how it went… So, Boom… The mom is told to leave.. it’s just me and my Ex, He is not happy his mommy dearest is gone so he comes to bother me once more, this time a little more aggressive. He asked to see my phone.. He asked me to apologize.. then, unfortunately … he gets violent after taking my computer after prying my phone from me he tries to take my second phone the only real form of communication I had, and listen here I put up the fight of my life!
Hair pulling, biting, I did everything to escape this man’s grip, it got to a point where I couldn’t breathe and I swear to God, my life flashed before my eyes…all my bad choices in life flashed before my eyes. Everything that landed me here was presented in from of me and when I finally escaped his grip… I called the police and if you are keeping track.. That is now #911 number 3, Now after I called the police he made a very big mistake and called the police too and lied… Fair warning people lying to police is considered a false report you can be jailed for that… He calls the police and says I stabbed him and locked himself in his room, Mental health at its finest ladies and gentlemen. We both were severely mentally ill.
After the cops come they ask me if I’m ok, what is wrong, and did I stab him I say no he has schizophrenia, And we just had a bad fight and I’m scared he almost chock me to death… They ask him to come out of the room, he pretends… yes pretend to be passed out they break his door.. he “wakes up” they take his blood pressure and put his dumbass in cuffs… I ask them to take him to a mental health facility he has schizophrenia and they did… They said I had 8-72 hours to get stuff in order before he was released and let me tell you about black girl magic in this next paragraph..
After they took him away, I locked all doors and windows and started to pack everything I needed…i called my mom she got a u-haul, and in less than 2 hours I was packed and out that bitch!! I was free and on my own terms. I set up my little childhood room, with an adult vibe to it now, and, have been here studying, working hard, and taking care of myself … I have a plan and a vision and the next few months are going to be the best months of my life.
Ok, let’s wrap this up.. I wanted to tell that story just because, I do have these waves of feeling like “damn its really over” a lot just because this all happened like 3 days ago, but nothing and I mean nothing will ever make me want to go back, I literally can’t even if I wanted to, which I don’t. My life was put in danger and I can’t have that happen again… it’s over… A man I once loved more than I loved myself chose his mother over me, chose his anger and hatred over me, he chose a life of loneliness and gaming (which ain’t half bad if we being honest) over a wife and possibly kids, I truly believe that man loved me but he didn’t like me, and he never was going to like me, he was always going to listen to his mom because his mom didn’t hold him accountable. She said things he wanted to hear, made him feel right when he was wrong. She hated me so much that she didn’t care if it was tearing apart her son’s only real chance at TRUE love, and he let her.. he didn’t choose me. So I had to choose myself..
Look, to end this blog I want you to know there was no winner or loser in this situation, everything happens for a reason I believe in life we are tested at certain moments in our life… and if we pass the test we get to elevate to the next round, but if we don’t pass we get held back and have to reflect and learn from our mistakes… If me and this man would have passed … we would have moved to the next stage in life… peace, marriage, hell maybe even a child, but we both failed.. we both didn’t stand up and do the right thing at the right time and we now have to learn the lesson all over again, apart and that’s fine that is life. We are all built for this shit.. You gone either grow and elevate to the next round, or you gone sit your ass still in one spot til you learn, or grow comfortable where you are.. My ex can now go back to gaming with no interruptions…., but I am back to the grind, love is on my list but a hefty saving account, a degree, and a supervisor position is in my future… Love will find me and until then I’m preparing myself for greatness! I will not give up or give in.. I AM LOVE AND LOVE WILL FIND ME ALWAYS.