In Today's blog I will be a bit dramatic and also it will be filled with run on sentences, bad grammar, and punctuation…because hey, that's just who I am. Recently something I thought would never happen… happened to me and this blog post is mostly for venting but also for help so if your reading and have any great advice I am all ears.. but i digress yesterday I lost a friend that I been knowing for 12 years. I generally thought if the whole world was to turn against me I would at least have her, but before i get all sentimental, I should tell you what happened and I will spare you the details as though I would like to keep a lot of things between me and her private for the sake of this blog lets call her Tracey….

Anyway, me Tracey had been friends for years and with a lot of long friendships some issues may arise, now when I say issue, I don't mean you and your friend constantly fighting, talking behind each others back, and lying to each other, if you have a friends that is constantly treating you like shit then sorry, that's not your friend.. anyways turns out the friend I've been raving over and telling my sisters "hey make sure you have real friends like me and Tracey someone to have your back" we've been slowly growing apart, and I honestly never truly notice it until she said something yesterday…

She texted me and just said she feels like we shouldn't be friends and she's out grown me. Now, her and I just spend a lovely weekend together, was going out almost every week to places like: the gym, park, Starbucks, etc… so I was a bit in shock I generally thought it was a joke til we talked and she explained where she was coming from and how she felt. Now I am going to be honest with you guys although I see her many points with what she  had to say, she was dead wrong and I can't understand it. She basically brought up stuff she been feeling since sophomore year in high school, things I never heard her really speak on until yesterday.

She brought up my pass, my ex, my bad habits, and how I was a little to wild in high school, and all I could think of is how dare you judge me? for something 3-4 years old ? How could you say these things as if you don't have your faults too? how could you say these things to me a person you've known since 4th grade, a person who daily tries to be a better person, a person you has abandonment issue… how could you do this NOW!!! right when things maybe were getting good for me? how could you? but I know deep down her reason are justified. She's basically said "hey  we've been friend for so long and I feel like you haven't grown as much as I have and you know you use to be a hoe in highschool, and also you make bad decision." although a lot of that statement is true.. I thought real friends stick it out… tell me how you feel and help me fix or be their for me even if it's at a distance just until I get back on track.. but I can't tell someone how to feel.

If she feels like she has out grown me then it must be true, and who I am to tell her to be friends with me, help me, stick by me it'll get better soon? but NO! that's not how life works I have no control over her and her feelings, if I am useless to her then thats the way it is…. I can honestly understand and respect that she has outgrown me, because that is life… I can bet half of our parents aren't  still friends with their childhood/high school friends because we out grow people, even the people we love we out grow them… a part of me says fuck her and a part of me is deeply torn up a friendship ending hurts more than a relationship ending. Although I have many annoying or bad ways, I also had good aspect.

I won't take all the blame and say I solely ruined the friendship hell no!…. I did the best I could to show all my friends I cared for them whether it was treating them to some food, trying to make them laugh, getting their nails done, sending care packages, putting gas in their car, having an open ear, defending/fighting for them, trying to understand them, and praying for them. I also showed them the bad sides of me like skipping school, arguing with them over petty things, talking over them, being too needy, making bad decisions, hanging out with too many guys, being overly emotional, ignoring them, etc. with all that being said I still believe I am a good person and I wont let no one make me feel like I'm not. I may have bad energy, but I also have good energy. I am the perfect yin and yang, and I will not let this stop me from flourishing and being a better person I will get through this with God's grace.duhhh

One thought on “Do I need friends ?

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