I told myself I was going to write an informative and positive blog today, maybe something like a morning routine, but no I am here to vent as usual. It’s hard not having no one to talk to, because when your lonely you turn to things that are no good for you. Like drugs… or something less intense like… venting to strangers or the internet, telling all your business to people who look at it and laugh…I believe I create problems for myself. I have a friend, and for the sake of her privacy lets call her Tiffany…. I always admired Tiffany, she was cute, funny, and has a do not give a fuck attitude. If someone crosses her or makes her feel a certain way *poof* they’re gone. I always admire her ability to let things/people go that hurt her…. I will never forget, she was dating this guy and they were together for a while, and he wasn’t acting right and was heading on the wrong path, and as quick as they started she ended it. She never really talked about him much after that. She said “he’s no good… im done” I was in shock and inspired all at the same time.
Right now, what’s keeping me up and keeping my fingers typing across my ancient 2010 Macbook is of course some guy… yeah I know, I know what a cliché a girl who blogs and has issue in her love life… I am a black Carrie from sex and the city (yes this is my 2nd sex and the city reference I love the show sue me!) The problem I am having is why can’t things be simple? Why can’t a guy/girl just be honest and say what he or she wants? why the lies, why the pretending, why all the extra shit huh? Right now I am contemplating blocking this guy’s number. We’ve been seeing each other all summer and I grew quite fond of him. No! I am not in love, I just really like his company especially since I am basically friendless and really lonely right now… oh and the sex isn’t half bad either..
Me and this guy just don’t click, and not because we don’t want the same things in life or don’t have anything in common, but because he can’t be honest. Our problem is communication, in a whole day we probably text 5 times, with a 2-8 hours of delay on his part. I told him how I felt one day and we actually text for a good hour about it, and he told me how he felt and he made me feel reassured, but that didn’t last very long. The very next day he was back on his bullshit. He has me feeling like I’m not wanted or like I am annoying. I found myself blocking him, but then he’ll just call me from another phone pretending to care and talking me into unblocking him, and at this point I’m basically hurting myself… and I don’t know how to stop this cycle…
I am a very caring person… I don’t believe in having people come in and out of my life. Since I was a kid my dad ruined how I loved, because he was so in and out of my life I found myself at one point trying my hardest to make him stay and love me instead of letting him go. I remember I once gave my dad $30, that I had saved up for like 6 months (I was like 10 so yeah it took me a while to save up 30 bucks) just because I wanted him to smile and say “My daughter always has my back” and that’s how I deal with men now. I try my best to make them see I am a good person to have in their corner, that I’m caring, loving, and much more, and that if you needed something and I didn’t have it I would find a way to get it simple!
My relationship with men from day one has been shit!! It got so bad I tried to set little booby traps (metaphorically of course) out for a boyfriend during high school. I basically promise or had sex first and then I thought maybe if the guys likes it we can build from there. I give him what he wants then I’ll get the relationship I want, but no lol!! They left soon after and I didn’t understand why for a while… it got so bad that my friends were looking at me funny… like what the hell girl? but I was determined to find a guy who loved me, because hey whats not to love .. I’m funny, smart, kind, and would do anything I could to make someone happy yet I still get treated like dirt.
I wasn’t suppose to open up about my past traumas on this post, but I guess I got a little carried away. To wrap things up, the guy I am dealing with… who also hasn’t text me back yet (its been about 7 hours) is an issue in my life right now. Its time to let this go while it doesn’t hurt so much… well it hurts of course but it nothing I haven’t been through before, feeling like you’re not good enough will always hurt, but I know once I do cut him off, I have no one… again, no one to talk to, no one to spend time with, no one at all. That’s probably why I am so reluctant on cutting him off. I’ll be right back where I started but actually, a little more broken this time.