does my pain mean anything to this world ?? is my voice heard? How long can this go on.. the hate, the gaslighting, the unnecessary drama that comes with life…

I’m starting to think I need a complete re-do in life, Being myself isn’t working, as the years go by I get more hateful, I become less responsive to the bullshit that is life. Once, for me.. peace was a group of friends I could see once or twice a month, We would meet up for brunch, shit talk, laugh, vent and drink until we were dizzy. Then I would go home to a man waiting for me for with maybe some flowers and a smile.. saying ” I have missed you”, My goal in life was to be like everyone… my goal was to be that friend or that person you would hang out with and talk to for hours, even when you were broke I would pay for your meal or ticket for whatever outing we chose and not dare let you pay me back, because one day, I know I will call you, when I’m alone and needing someone with 0 dollars in my pocket, but hoping to get out the house.. hoping then you could re-pay that favor… but it seemed we’d never make it to that part of me needing help. Guess I got to be strong…

Say one thing out of line or tell your truth… now we arguing.. I try to defend myself in anyway and now I’m the villain that needs to be blocked on all forms of social media.. even though a simple 30 min conversation could have solved it. This world over complicates the simplest shit.

I’m I the victim or the villain…

Neither, I’m me, the overzealous individual, ready for anything… wanting more out of life than what is expected of me… I want to change I want to be level headed, nonchalant, not caring about the past and the people around me who wronged me, I want to be able to save more money by not buying people around me gifts and things to make them feel special, or at the very least have them reciprocate that energy… I really don’t want to care anymore… I hate myself and this world around me… all the world keeps telling me is to hate… change… and do better… but have zero fucking examples of what better is.

What if this is who I am .. then what ?? what if I cant change ..then what ?? will this ever end? … children are getting sexually abused everyday, people are starving or on the edge of homelessness or both, some of us are so depress we dream of taking our own lives and some of us actually do… how is this living? … juice world famously said “this reminds me of hell, sometime I think that’s where God really sent me”

My nightmares, turn into reality, work, make money, spend it repeat.. I have no purpose.. the world wont let me be what it needs without a 72k master’s degree.. Debt is my purpose … I’ve always been so sad.. literally since I was 10 years old and I found out being black was a bad thing and I ain’t loved myself since then. found out my mother was molested as a child now I hate men, cant hold down a solid friendship so many damn mean girls around me, now I hate bitches… cant find true love meaning, cant find someone that appreciates me without belittling me or acknowledging my feelings, now its fuck love, and the list goes on and on.. I will never be happy with this attitude huh?

One day, it will all be just right… one day the past wont matter and neither will my future… one day, I will be in the present moment without a care in the world … and at that very moment, I would know that I truly gave up… true peace only arrives when you are dead … no matter how “okay” my life is, if there is someone out there in this world not experiencing happiness, they are in pain and in need then my feelings of joy and happiness means nothing… it will never matter in the grand scheme of things if we all cant be happy…joy is just a temporary fleeing high.. enjoy it while it last …

I’ll leave you with a single question.. who has the stronger feelings.. someone who has hate in their heart, in pain.. looking for revenge? or someone totally happy feeling free without a worry in the world?

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