Dying slowly..

does my pain mean anything to this world ?? is my voice heard? How long can this go on.. the hate, the gaslighting, the unnecessary drama that comes with life…

I’m starting to think I need a complete re-do in life, Being myself isn’t working, as the years go by I get more hateful, I become less responsive to the bullshit that is life. Once, for me.. peace was a group of friends I could see once or twice a month, We would meet up for brunch, shit talk, laugh, vent and drink until we were dizzy. Then I would go home to a man waiting for me for with maybe some flowers and a smile.. saying ” I have missed you”, My goal in life was to be like everyone… my goal was to be that friend or that person you would hang out with and talk to for hours, even when you were broke I would pay for your meal or ticket for whatever outing we chose and not dare let you pay me back, because one day, I know I will call you, when I’m alone and needing someone with 0 dollars in my pocket, but hoping to get out the house.. hoping then you could re-pay that favor… but it seemed we’d never make it to that part of me needing help. Guess I got to be strong…

Say one thing out of line or tell your truth… now we arguing.. I try to defend myself in anyway and now I’m the villain that needs to be blocked on all forms of social media.. even though a simple 30 min conversation could have solved it. This world over complicates the simplest shit.

I’m I the victim or the villain…

Neither, I’m me, the overzealous individual, ready for anything… wanting more out of life than what is expected of me… I want to change I want to be level headed, nonchalant, not caring about the past and the people around me who wronged me, I want to be able to save more money by not buying people around me gifts and things to make them feel special, or at the very least have them reciprocate that energy… I really don’t want to care anymore… I hate myself and this world around me… all the world keeps telling me is to hate… change… and do better… but have zero fucking examples of what better is.

What if this is who I am .. then what ?? what if I cant change ..then what ?? will this ever end? … children are getting sexually abused everyday, people are starving or on the edge of homelessness or both, some of us are so depress we dream of taking our own lives and some of us actually do… how is this living? … juice world famously said “this reminds me of hell, sometime I think that’s where God really sent me”

My nightmares, turn into reality, work, make money, spend it repeat.. I have no purpose.. the world wont let me be what it needs without a 72k master’s degree.. Debt is my purpose … I’ve always been so sad.. literally since I was 10 years old and I found out being black was a bad thing and I ain’t loved myself since then. found out my mother was molested as a child now I hate men, cant hold down a solid friendship so many damn mean girls around me, now I hate bitches… cant find true love meaning, cant find someone that appreciates me without belittling me or acknowledging my feelings, now its fuck love, and the list goes on and on.. I will never be happy with this attitude huh?

One day, it will all be just right… one day the past wont matter and neither will my future… one day, I will be in the present moment without a care in the world … and at that very moment, I would know that I truly gave up… true peace only arrives when you are dead … no matter how “okay” my life is, if there is someone out there in this world not experiencing happiness, they are in pain and in need then my feelings of joy and happiness means nothing… it will never matter in the grand scheme of things if we all cant be happy…joy is just a temporary fleeing high.. enjoy it while it last …

I’ll leave you with a single question.. who has the stronger feelings.. someone who has hate in their heart, in pain.. looking for revenge? or someone totally happy feeling free without a worry in the world?

Atlanta season 3…episode 1 (spoiler)

just finished Atlanta season 3 episode 1, and my God…

If I could take one thing away from this episode, it is that we as black people do not belong in the white man’s world at all…This episode was like watching a horror film, but the thing is … it wasn’t horror at all it was reality.. A black boy, A black girl…with white parents… adopted as the white folks may say.. living with us is better than what you had, they say..eat the food I prepared for you, even though it makes your stomach sick, work for me because I said so… This episode touched my heart, and angered my soul….

There is no end to the black struggle.. Watching this episode I realized how blessed I truly am, wasn’t raised in the system, didn’t have anyone touching me when I was a child unlike many and I mean many of the people I know in my life… I had a mother who loved me and did everything to provide me with a safe and beautiful life.. Due to the trauma of my mother’s younger years, I was never able to emotionally connect with her but she took care of my needs as a human and I had to be grateful for just that …But even when things are decent its never ok..there is no end to the black struggle..

In this episode, a little boy just being hyper in class, and by hyper I mean just being a kid.. changed his life…the teachers got tired of it and called his mother, which led to the teacher witnessing, how black kids are disciplined… the mother makes the child do the same dance he was dancing in class … saying “since you like disrupting the class dancing and talking… gone nay nay (a popular dance) gone on, Now whip” The grandfather finishes the display of discipline by lightly slapping the child 3 times and saying essentially “get your act together”

And because of those 3 little slaps … The teacher reported the incident to child services and now the little boy gets a visit from a social worker and is taken away.. to a life far worst than the one he had… he was taken in by two white women.. to the world they look like the children’s saviors, to the children it was hell…You see these white women project their “culture” , racism, and lifestyle on these children that required different and more thoughtful caretaking.. Yet these women made NO accommodations …

The show continues, with the boy showing his hatred for his new lifestyle… A social worker comes to do a wellness check and she can see clear as day these children are not being cared for properly… now this caseworker was a different caseworker than what the women were used to, and apparently, the old caseworker swept a lot of things under the rug, while the new black, yes, the black caseworker was seeing red flags all around… Once the white women see oops!, we are in trouble.. there is a part of the show where it is heavily insinuated that the women kill her (the black caseworker) in order to not get in trouble.. The women then decide to go on the run…

And, Do a mass suicide of themselves and the children… But the little black boy is clever, he notices more than enough red flags to get him and his adopted siblings out of there … he tricked the woman, and at the last min before the women could stop the car from driving off a cliff they noticed the… kids were not in the back seat of the car… The episode ends with the little black boy walking home, going straight in and washing the dishes, then he warms up some spaghetti and watches cartoons..

The black struggle is never over… slavery was just a taste of our injustice.. we are living in a world that hates us, I asked God recently, Why do I have to be black, everything is harder for me. Love is almost impossible, fitting in is losing myself, and feeling accepted in this place called America feels counterintuitive. To be accepted by people who are not accepting is a conundrum in itself. The black struggle will never end and the suffering will continue ..

I will never be loved, I will never have generational wealth these are all things I have accepted about being black, The more and more art I see from black artists the more hopes I have, but then reality hits me every time.. This world was never meant for me .. it was built by me, but it will never accept me… there will always be a struggle.

change is good

Ahhh… here we are again, hello good people, and by good people I mean the 3 faithful followers that like my every post. Here with more mind dumps. This is the 1st time I actually don’t want to really blog (i want a therapist), but I feel as though, I should. It’s always been the way I grieve/ get things off my chest but in all honesty… I’m changing…

I lost, I lost everything I thought I ever wanted in a split second. Things happen so fast. One day you and a person can be close, really close, and then one day you will be strangers and there is nothing that can be done about it. I lost friend after friend, lover after, lover. I lost things I believed would last forever. Things seem to always end with me, the logical way of thinking is saying I’m the problem, I’m the source of misery and pain, but I beg to differ.

What type of friend am I, the one that cares, but also the one that judges. I would give a friend everything I have but in the same breath, I would start to hate them if I didn’t get that same treatment in return, meaning if I gave a friend $40 to pay a cell phone bill, the next time I get on hard times I expect to borrow that same amount back without having to pay you back, that’s how I like my friendships, equal, open, honest and forgiving.

I am the type of lover that wants you to be at your best, I want others to look at you/us and envy us, yes I know that’s a bad thing to do but I want the world to see you, have it all and you have it all because of me, because of we. I like to be in control because I know the way. I can lead you into greatness if you just trust me and have my back. All I ever wanted in this life was for a man to choose me, for a man to say, ” see her, don’t touch or hurt her I am protecting her” I wanted my father to love me and he never could, I wanted my 1st love to hear I was pregnant and hold me and say let’s raise our family, not punch me in the stomach as a surprise hoping I would miscarry the baby, I wanted my true love (my recent Ex) to look me in the eyes and say I am the one and tell his insane mother to fuck off! I just wanted someone to choose me!

I talk to God every day, and every damn day I can’t escape his judgment, I can’t escape his words, they are so true and it cuts like a knife but is also soothing like aloe vera. He tells me the mistakes I made as soon as I calm down, because only then will I listen. My mouth and actions have gotten me in a lot of trouble, and as I self reflect and try to change I realized the rest of the world doesn’t have to, If someone doesn’t think the way they are living or acting is bad then they will simply never change, My ex loved his life.. He loved his over-bearing mother, his video games, his bad hygiene/health, staying in the house, and his shitty clothes lol. It was enough for him, and if I didn’t try to change him, I truly believed he would’ve been just fine.

People will constantly look for flaws in other people, so they don’t have to deal with themselves. It’s honestly the most damaging thing I have ever seen, and when you realize, that while you are fighting for change and bettering yourself, thanks to the unkind words of others …that pain you have to endure is worth it because at least you are dealing with that pain head-on instead of burying it deep inside, unlike others that only judge you, and not themselves.

So, if you still reading I have just been rambling, but just like my old posts, there is a reason I am here, a big event happened in my life recently, and it still is on my mind..so here it is… Before I get into all that, I would like to make a weird statement for a friend that could be seeing this, let’s call her Misses T, I want to start by thanking her, of all people I’ve met, she was this most genuine, She was herself at any cost. Was she perfect? no, but she never did any true harm to me… the worst thing I can say about her is she never reciprocated my energy, especially if I was in need, meaning if she needed help, I came running. If I needed help …well too bad… I should have never disrespected her, which is fair regardless of the circumstances…, but I want to say this..We had this weird realization once that we are living the same life but since she was a few years older than me, she was always a chapter ahead of me and I could never comprehend how she made her life choices until I caught up with her…and believe you me, I caught up with her… matter of fact it was the same exact situation she was in about 3 years ago…..

March 21st, 2022… I lost the love of my life, don’t worry he is not dead. This day was the worst and most abusive day of my life… and I started it, but I certainly did not finish it. Let’s get into it… I and my Ex were always on rocky terms for close to a full year now, a lot of stupid arguments and a lot of loving days, but the bad days were outweighing the good by far. We had an opportunity to start fresh, a new home, fully furnished and all we had to do was get along… Now whether we blame this on mental health or just plain two people being together that shouldn’t. Our relationship had problems that could be fixed but it takes TWO! and I felt as though I was in a relationship with myself doing the things I wanted to do buying the things I wanted to buy, building this perfect American life for us, and trying to create memories and moments of peace in our relationship and it seems like whenever we made a huge step in the right direction. We made 10 steps backward each time.

Our love was circumstantial, meaning we only loved each other if the other person was doing or acting how we wanted them to. Although that’s how a lot of relationships work, we both had mental health issues meaning when one of us wasn’t behaving ideally, the other person had to know how to step away, or calm that person down. Otherwise, all hell would break loose, and let me tell you, all hell broke loses multiple times during our relationship, but this last time the Gates of hell were opened wide and they can never be closed again…

March 21st, 2022 8:17 am, actually I’m getting ahead of myself before I tell you about the worst day ever, I have to tell you what led up to it. We (me and my ex) living life as normal, I mean, I have my complaints… one being he never puts the toilet seat down or helps around the house…I mention it over and over… and I think that day…he gave me a snarky remark I didn’t like, and we moved on about our day though, we handle business headed back home to get ready for the movies, We only had about $20 on us, after I bought the movie tickets for that night… and on top of that We hadn’t eaten all day, and he tells me his sick cousin in the hospital wants some food, I tell him “hey we pretty broke we can bring her something tomorrow.” When I get paid….he says that’s rude….

So I say… fuck it … Calling his bluff…” let’s go give her out last…here take the money go get your cousin some food” I say.. He says no you have to come with me, doing this little antagonizing thing that I hate, saying something he doesn’t mean, to make me feel bad, and when I take him up on his offer he makes me feel like more crap… classic narcissist. We get in the car and head to get his cousin some food, we argue the whole time I get flustered and a bit mean, he says something about tinting his car. I say fuck his car classic, childish shit… we argue and argue and he just loses it…

We, drove to his mother’s shop he parks in the back of her shop and waited, and waited, and waited, we missed the movie and didn’t talk for 3 hours … I get fed up with the mind games I get out of the car and walk to my friend’s house about a 2 miles away… I get there … and she is not there… so I called an emergency line, that called my mother, (i had no cell service) and I went home with my mother and slept on the hardwood floors of her home.. I gave in and texted him hoping he would pick me up, and we’d go home maybe talk and I could take a much-needed shower and sleep in a comfortable bed… but no in his eyes, I had to be punished..

“I am sick of your shit, you stay your ass there I will come to get you when I feel like,” he says.. I cried myself to sleep uncomfortable and I reeked, The morning comes… I’m hoping he is ready to forgive me and talk and I can finally take the much-needed shower and feed my dogs who have been home alone for 18 hours at this point, but no.. the morning comes and the games begin… “I am not letting you in the house, if you wanna talk you can meet me at the place you walked away from,” he said… I say let’s meet at the house my mom can take me and I need to feed my dogs… “No,” he says… So my hand is forced, I’m tired annoyed and over it but my dogs need me, everything I own is in that house. That house that I… I made a home… He was not allowing me to be in it, because he said so, the home I have paid over 800$ in bills that month alone, I was not allowed in unless I changed my attitude… fucking prick.

Let’s skip a few details, that arent important to get to the point, I meet him, I talk to them we head home.. I feed my dogs and decide we all had a bad day, especially my little babies.. Let’s go to the duck pond.. I said.. we all get dressed up and for those few hours.. at the park…We were a family. It was like the calm before the storm… Everything felt right… but it wasn’t over.. Now, this is the part of the story where I tell what I did wrong because in every situation there is never really a person who is innocent… right.. well maybe that isn’t always correct…

We leave the park to get his cousin, some more food, and head to the grocery store, I pick up a few items to last a week and we head home.. before we got out of the car, I explained where my head was at …because I didn’t want the silence to be my compliance. I tell him ” Look, I love you but after yesterday I can’t look at you the same, I’m tired of crying and twisting my mind and you never seem to understand me, I don’t want to be with you, but I love you.” and that was the butterfly, you know the butterfly effect, if a butterfly flaps its wings it can start a series of unknown events and that one statement I made, started our apocalypse.

He starts to breathe heavily, He then lights a cigarette… and in the simplest terms.. Tell me you are not allowed in the house because of your bad mouth. Again that is not exactly what he said but that was the point.. I cry in frustration and eventually we go into the house… I bet he regrets that now, But it was my saving grace… we get in and we don’t speak a word… I ask him to bring in the groceries or they will spoil, he refuses and I couldn’t do it because I didn’t have the keys and after being basically locked out of the house for the past 24 hours, I wasn’t taking that chance.. so the food spoils and he plays video games… I started to pack my shit, not like I really had a plan because my life is a mess right now, but I wanted the place to feel less homey.. I wanted the image of “You need to get the Fuck out as soon as you can” all around me. I then cooked dinner, ate, and went to bed…

The night goes by and morning comes, he crawls in bed, Now this is the point of the story where if I was a little more mature the next few events would have never happened. He gets in bed and I say no, I don’t want you in my room, you have a room go to yours … He tells me to chill out… so let’s play a game did I ….A. chill out and go back to sleep B. go sleep on the couch, and let him have the bed for the day. or C. push his ass out of bed. ……

Did you pick an answer, if you know me by now, then you’ll know the answer is C, cause I’m a gremlin lol. I pushed him off the bed twice and he dragged me like a rag doll. It wasn’t a big deal to me honestly but he was livid, I’m assuming he called his mom, cause he told me I had to leave and I stated .. No, I have my rights and I have bills in my name so fuck you and if you don’t believe me, I can call the police and they can tell you my rights … So I called the police .. and so this story doesn’t get so confusing because the police were called 3 times that day!! I will number them… anyways.. So I call the police #911 number 1, and they come they try to tell him to leave than me, and when we both refused they were like ok well just be cool and they left…But by that time that queen bitch herself arrived his cold lonely mother had entered the chat….

After the cops leave My ex, goes mad, oh you want to stay here, ok well let’s make it uncomfortable for you, let’s take down the curtains, let’s turn off all electricity, and let me just annoy the shit out of you till you leave… his mother comes in for some reason and now they are both in my face just spewing hateful/awful things, ” your mother hates you, you stupid, you need help, you need to leave, you so dumb” they say.. I am just recording them and talking back going with the flow and boom, his mom gets out her body (slang for do some crazy shit) and knocks my phone out my hand, Now I’m small compared to this woman, but when I say the strength of God possessed my body and I pushed her and got my phone back, then I admittedly call the police again… If you were counting that’s #911 number 2.

I called the cops to get that bitch off my property and they did, Thank you, Shreveport police.. Now after this, The story is going to turn in my favor, God created the perfect escape plan for me, and let me tell you how it went… So, Boom… The mom is told to leave.. it’s just me and my Ex, He is not happy his mommy dearest is gone so he comes to bother me once more, this time a little more aggressive. He asked to see my phone.. He asked me to apologize.. then, unfortunately … he gets violent after taking my computer after prying my phone from me he tries to take my second phone the only real form of communication I had, and listen here I put up the fight of my life!

Hair pulling, biting, I did everything to escape this man’s grip, it got to a point where I couldn’t breathe and I swear to God, my life flashed before my eyes…all my bad choices in life flashed before my eyes. Everything that landed me here was presented in from of me and when I finally escaped his grip… I called the police and if you are keeping track.. That is now #911 number 3, Now after I called the police he made a very big mistake and called the police too and lied… Fair warning people lying to police is considered a false report you can be jailed for that… He calls the police and says I stabbed him and locked himself in his room, Mental health at its finest ladies and gentlemen. We both were severely mentally ill.

After the cops come they ask me if I’m ok, what is wrong, and did I stab him I say no he has schizophrenia, And we just had a bad fight and I’m scared he almost chock me to death… They ask him to come out of the room, he pretends… yes pretend to be passed out they break his door.. he “wakes up” they take his blood pressure and put his dumbass in cuffs… I ask them to take him to a mental health facility he has schizophrenia and they did… They said I had 8-72 hours to get stuff in order before he was released and let me tell you about black girl magic in this next paragraph..

After they took him away, I locked all doors and windows and started to pack everything I needed…i called my mom she got a u-haul, and in less than 2 hours I was packed and out that bitch!! I was free and on my own terms. I set up my little childhood room, with an adult vibe to it now, and, have been here studying, working hard, and taking care of myself … I have a plan and a vision and the next few months are going to be the best months of my life.

Ok, let’s wrap this up.. I wanted to tell that story just because, I do have these waves of feeling like “damn its really over” a lot just because this all happened like 3 days ago, but nothing and I mean nothing will ever make me want to go back, I literally can’t even if I wanted to, which I don’t. My life was put in danger and I can’t have that happen again… it’s over… A man I once loved more than I loved myself chose his mother over me, chose his anger and hatred over me, he chose a life of loneliness and gaming (which ain’t half bad if we being honest) over a wife and possibly kids, I truly believe that man loved me but he didn’t like me, and he never was going to like me, he was always going to listen to his mom because his mom didn’t hold him accountable. She said things he wanted to hear, made him feel right when he was wrong. She hated me so much that she didn’t care if it was tearing apart her son’s only real chance at TRUE love, and he let her.. he didn’t choose me. So I had to choose myself..

Look, to end this blog I want you to know there was no winner or loser in this situation, everything happens for a reason I believe in life we are tested at certain moments in our life… and if we pass the test we get to elevate to the next round, but if we don’t pass we get held back and have to reflect and learn from our mistakes… If me and this man would have passed … we would have moved to the next stage in life… peace, marriage, hell maybe even a child, but we both failed.. we both didn’t stand up and do the right thing at the right time and we now have to learn the lesson all over again, apart and that’s fine that is life. We are all built for this shit.. You gone either grow and elevate to the next round, or you gone sit your ass still in one spot til you learn, or grow comfortable where you are.. My ex can now go back to gaming with no interruptions…., but I am back to the grind, love is on my list but a hefty saving account, a degree, and a supervisor position is in my future… Love will find me and until then I’m preparing myself for greatness! I will not give up or give in.. I AM LOVE AND LOVE WILL FIND ME ALWAYS.

Life is short….

Today’s blog post, is coming from a different charm then any of my other blog post. Most of the time I spoke from sadness, stubbornness, and lack of maturity. Today I will be discussing some tips to help you with your partner and also explaining how I came to those conclusions..

I have been engaged for 11 months and 27 days now, to a man I have been dating for 2 years. I never known love like this… it almost has me spoiled to the fact that I sometimes not as appreciative… throughout my 2 year relationship I’m going to be honest me and my fiancée have done the absolute most! Almost 4 breaks, me almost fighting his mother! And also us being childish towards each other….

It has been a journey! Today we argued about something simple yet a big deal depending on the person. We got into it in a fast food line because I was a bit extra, I yell at him thinking he will hit the car in front of us I even called him stupid… I was wrong!! Dead wrong but two wrongs don’t make a right and when my fiancée heard that he flipped..

He starting bringing up my past ! Childish things I may add but nonetheless he was purposely trying to be an asshole, look my fiancée has schizophrenia and I have bipolar disorder and that can be a recipe for disaster!! It’s not an excuse but it has cause a lot of our problems because we are both emotional and or over emotional and he lets his head fill up with bad thoughts….

We ended up working this out after I gave him one of my best speeches lol … I told him look we got 3 options … option 1. one of us eat the shit sandwich and apologize to the other basically admitting they were wrong 2. We ignore the issue pretend like it never happened and let’s go have sex to be double sure lol or 3. We can see if we can find someone better out there… see if you can find a women like me who helped build you gaming room, who always make sure you look and smell good, who thinks of you as much as I do … or I can try to find a man who cooks for me, get me food everyday, even trust him with my moms debit card as she ask him to go buy her something from Walmart… we can try but we will mostly likely fail!

I said all that to him and also said look man when you get mad at me you start to want to prove a point and by doing so you have to bring up all my wrong doings so it can seem like I’m the villain when we both know I’m a good person who just makes mistakes sometimes, when you are too upset to the point we’re you can’t speak kindly or speak without ruining my character detach yourself go play a game I will understand and I will have a hot bath …..cool off get something to eat and try again … but this back and forth one person trying to prove why the other is wrong will kill our relationship and let’s be real we are perfect for each other!! Plain and simple

He agreed, and apologized and so did I !

Quick tips to a happy relationship!!

1. If you don’t have nothing nice to say don’t say nothing at all this is kindergarten rules … learn to respect your partner even when you are mad!

2. Find a hobby and learn to make it your go to thing when in a heated argument pause the conversation respectfully tell you partner “hey I need some time to process thing before I speak let’s continue this later I understand where you are coming from but I need more time please”

3. Life is short sometimes it’s better to apologize and kiss then to argue for hours … make your partner understand their feelings matter and sometimes just throw in the white flag for peace !

Goodbye old friend

Goodbye old friend

This blog post is dedicate to a person I once called a friend and due to mental health issues/just being an asshole … this will essentially be a goodbye and good luck letter to her I have a few blogs post I’m going to dedicate to a lot of people soon the good and the bad and don’t worry I’m not suicidal or going to end it all I just like to speak from the heart and have something good on the internet for people to remember me by lol … ….let’s begin ….

A.G —-

Time … time will heal us all but I know that’s far away for a person like me honestly no creepy shit been thinking about you for the past 3-4 days the 1st thought was genuine let me text her and see how she been … the 2nd thought was more spiteful “why did I accept her “friendship so fast” “why did I let her back in my life ?” we haven’t been friends for 3 years A.G …you have blocked me about once a year either from my real account or a fake one I used to spy on my ex when we was once together but each time i reached out you drew a line in the sand and said no, fool me once shame on me fool me twice same on you… i recently told my fiancé how I was feeling gave him a scenario 1st without telling him the truth and his answer was shocking “bae what would you do if a friend you once knew said something so mean it broke your heart” ??

Bae- “how bad excatly??”

Me- “never mind all that just listen so what if this friend said something bad after you “provoked them” then after years of you reaching out and trying to set things right you keep getting blocked …they finally hit you up tho randomly one day and say hey here’s my number hmu if ever need me what would you do ?”

Bae-“I wouldn’t hit them up or even reach out you know me charm only person I care for is you and my moms i wouldn’t let it affect me”

me-“that’s not the answer I’m looking for but ok”

bae-“ I don’t think you realize how much you got going for yourself seriously..!! I have seen you do things that would take my momma or me years, you just need to let shit go”

As he said that my heart dropped ..girl I live for compliments mixed with truth because it’s rare for me lol

He was right tho, let’s call a spade a spade I was obsessed with our friendship purely because I had abandonment issues …it’s not like I even like you as a friend its was just the idea of losing someone and having them think poorly of me ..didn’t seat right with me..

Yes I hurt you big time , and I like to use the excuse well you hurt me but two wrongs don’t make a right … I was your worst nightmare …a girl who didn’t know her place in this world ..confused and lost

it’s no coincidence our senior year of highschool we became real close … meaning you now skipping school with me to hang with two knuckleheaded boys…

well how is it we both dropped out ?? That year ….You don’t find that suspicious inserts Dr umar Johnson meme .. i dragged you down with me not intentionally but because confusion/misery loves company… I remember like half of the events that caused our 1st fight…

The beginning of the end

…2016 me and you still cool we snap chatting each other tagging each other in twitter post then boom you tell me you’re getting a puppy lol … now you may say now charm ?? how did a puppy ruin y’all friendship well let me tell you..

Surprise surprise I got jealous… like super jealous and I wanted a puppy too dammit !! So I got one then I ask A.G where is yours??… no real answer so now you are a liar to me .. I hop my happy go lucky ass on twitter and start straight throwing shots after shots after shots now there was more to this issue or more stuff in the middle but this was years ago I really can’t remember lol …let’s move forward to the moment I knew I would never be cool with you again deep down

So I’m talking shit on twitter you have me blocked I think so I think I’m free and clear to talk all the shit I want…

ring ring who number is this I’m not answering … 7 seconds later ring ring I answer…
A.G – “bitch do You wanna fight ??”

Me- “you know where I live”

A.G – “you the one with the car pull up”

Me- “I ain’t got my license you pull up don’t you got a license and a car ‘? “

A.G – “bitch you scary af all that ca—- “

me – click

5-10 mins later text from

A.G – “girl you lame af (these are not exact words just a general idea stay with me lol) you scary and your house nasty af and you done had like 2 abortions (laughing emoji)

me-“ bitch bye you better put the phone down before your mom see and beat yo ass ain’t you on punishment?? you a duck ass bitch talking about a Nigga all day that didn’t even want you girl bye (kissing face emoji)

A.G if you’re ever reading this…and ever wondering if you should allow me back into your life ?? Go back to those paragraphs above …that’s your clear answer ….how??? just how ??can we say we were friends saying awful shit like that … til this day I will never trust you

My shame my dirty screct yes world I had an abortion at 17 … still to this day I have regrets but realistically speaking I’m glad yup I said it glad I wasn’t a single mother, but i digress I told you that in confidence how many ppl did you tell if any A.G ?? I know I provoked you but you hit the juggler vein with that one … you have been the only person out of the 4 I told that threw that in my face… how dare you ?

So as you can see we had some flaws so why back in 2018ish we got back cool …why ?? I don’t know … we’ll maybe I do late summer early fall of 2018 your mom came rushing to my moms home

Mrs.A.G -“ hey have your daughter seen my daughter??”

My mom- “ I’m not sure Meci (my childhood nickname) moved out I wouldn’t know”

Mrs A.G- “ok well here is my number have your daughter call me”

My mom then calls me “ baby have you seen that A.G she is missing her mom looking for her”

Me “ scared/shocked no mama what happened she ok ?!?!”

Mom- “I don’t know here is her mom number “

Not sure if. I called your moms but I know I went straight to twitter and by the memory of a crazy bitch type in your user name and there you was (damn I low key sound like Joe from you) ..

goes straight to dms – “hey you ok ?? I’m so scared by the troubling news if you need help or need me to pick you up I don’t care call me !!”

You eventually hit me back we catch up and boom friends again .. I was happy yet still not over those evil words we exchanged years ago but happy nonetheless… it started out as usual a text a call movational txt here and there… then boom trouble and trouble just so happen to be a cute guy with a killer smile

Let’s fast forward all the small moments you know us hanging with these dudes at the park , you a vegan buying chicken for everyone at my crib one day and all you ate was fries lol I’m laughing because that’s how selfless you are always coming through for stuff we had no business doing

Let’s skip the small moments and get to the nitty gritty … the bad moments I remember this gut punching day like it was yesterday

2018 Oct 31st Halloween I throw a party… now if I wasn’t a dumb little girl that party would have just been for us girls 🙂 just watching scary movies drinking wine and feeling comfortable and safe to do so but instead I invited anybody in my shit

One guy gets so drunk after he specifically said I’m Not a drinker and throws up on my floor that dude with the killer smile is recording him putting him on Snapchat tbh that’s a start of a villains origin story ….to be embrassed at a party in front of a girl he like .. smh we all lucky to be alive lol

That night continues we all chilling in the living room you and mr. Smile are just flirting it up so much to the point no lie me and my other friend start texting each other like wow this is cringey lol no offense so y’all flirting even pillow fighting and everyone minding their business now this next part let’s keep it between you and me we all know what happened that night so boom..

*edit ( in the sense of being honest I will tell what happened not only to clear my name but so you A.G if you ever read this fully u will know … after y’all pillow fought y’all went to the bathroom you wasn’t stumbling he wasn’t dragging you y’all both got up like functioning adults and went to the bathroom now what happened in that bathroom only 3 ppl know you, mr.smiles and our mutual friend who walked in on y’all , …now you are telling me you were in a position where you felt this man is hurting you …then why not say anything when our mutual friend walked in on you all ??? why not like U have done a million times before tell me to meet you in the bathroom turn on the water and tell me what’s wrong ??)*

Everyone leave just me you and our other girl friend don’t remember if we stay up later talking or went straight to bed but everything was good like really good I believed that next weekend we went to the pound and I kid you not we got tested I think it snowed that day …nothing out of the ordinary til mr. Smiles baby mama calls me questioning me

Mr. Smiles baby mama -“what happened at your party between your friend and my baby daddy”

me- ( not being a snitch cause if her man like to cheat then he gone cheat ) girl nothing your babydaddy wasn’t even there long why ??”

Mr. Smile Baby mama- “well that’s not what I heard I’m at the store where A.G mama work and she told me you and my babydaddy took advantage of her (aka i set her up to be r*ped !)

Me- “* stomach drops* wtf are you talking about ?? I literally seen her this weekend she is my friend 1. I would never do that and 2. if this true your babydaddy a deadman”

Mr. Smile baby momma-“ girl I don’t know what going on I’m just asking you..”

Me- “ I will get to the bottom of it”

…*Calls A.G. *

Me- “ hey i just got some disturbing news you can tell me the truth did mr. Smiles hurt you “

A.G- “huh girl what are u talking about”

I proceed to tell you what’s going on you are shocked and want to fight ole girl for spreading lies ….me … I’m still hurt cause I was just accused of setting up a “r*pe” decided to ignore it I even went as far to asking a few ppl at the party that night did they hear or see anything strange and nothing …where did this awful awful rumor come from..

You.. you let someone convince you I would do such a thing just to cover up your own shame I could have been jailed just because you were embrassed or didn’t like me …

After this our friendship tank fast last time I saw you … you was flirting with this guy at a party I invited you to… i invited you to heal be open and talk…wanted you to meet my new guru of a friend that I’m surprise surprise no longer friends with and almost like a jealous ex I wonder … why are u like this ?? i judged you so fast that night off shit I did daily in my past and I went home and just like u did many years ago i blocked you on everything…

That’s basically what lead us here now, after that situation u said girl fuck me for 3 years straight ….I remember inboxing you no lie on the verge ending my life one night low-key just wanted to tell you and many others goodbye and you blocked 3 mins after i sent the dm as you SHOULD and I knew that day …that was it !!!! STOP chasing a dead friendship I fucked up !!! I need to grow tf up !!

4-5 months after that I’m scrolling on TikTok and see your video lol now this is embrassing but i contemplated on should i like your video didn’t wanna seem obsessed or like I went looking for you ….your page found me (fyp) and I just liked it … I thought the video was well made and I like it and move on two days later I get a dm with your cell number

“call me if you ever wanna talk” you stated all those bad thoughts all the times you ignored /blocked me i instantly ignored lol I responded faster than a rabbit in a race lol yay a friend!!! Holy crap I’m actually feeling bad today I mean I did just had an apartment fire last week so your timing was perfect!

But our past is too tainted we attempted to talk I called you like twice and talked 90% of the time even text u and asked for advice about our new home which btw we went with a different home 🙂 much better neighborhood …but as per usual with adults we got busy … we both work full time i assume and I’m a senior in college our time is valuable !!!

So I text you a little paragraph ….I’m Kidding it was the size of the declaration of independence lol you don’t respond I’m thinking you are busy it’s only been a day til i ask our mutual friend u heared from A.G ?? (Concerned I mean you are in a big new city hoping all was well genuinely)
Our mutual friend responded with a “yeah she straight why ??”

me – “oh starting to think what you said about us getting back cool wasn’t a good idea I think you were right” …

She was right …

You have no need for me or interest in me I’m a girl who we can argue I ruined your life yeah you grown yeah I never forced you to do SHIT but I was a bad influence and that was enough and I know you tired A.G you have a good spirit you just want to be treated well and to be lapped in luxury you have a dream that you will fight for til your death you are respectable and kind you only ever do spiteful or mean shit when someone provokes …you I believe you have a lot of bulit up anger and you have no real way to release it …

Who was the girl you knew all those years

Look I’m beautiful I’m kind I’m smart and funny but I’m also stupid, ugly, mean and just crazy.. I never had a sense of self I always and I mean always hated me.. the short dark skin fat girl that is me.. but look I’m 24 soon 25 and engaged to be married I need to grow up there is no real reason I should be typing a damn essay about a girl who could give af less …..you got DREAMS .. real dreams and so do I … I put so much negative and good energy into our friendship… I completely neglected my baby sisters man and to this day I can barely see my niece I cash app my sister $200 a month and keep it pushing because the relationship between is ruined

… I ruined my life but I’m on the road to rebuilding …this is a 5 year battle I had with myself about you a person who want nothing but happiness and peace i made war with a innocent girl(you) and because of that I don’t deserve to see you at your best or be apart of that journey of growth and you, never apart of mines.

The real apology

… I apologize you even met me and one thing I can say God will be there for us more than we could have ever been there for each other .. I pray for the women you will become one day (: may your peace be protected!!! Goodbye old friend ❤ , if only I was smarter and knew myself more.

Humanity,

I just finished watching the season finale of Euphoria, and I gotta tell yall… I feel the farthest thing from alone right now. Life in all honesty without sounding completely hopeless is but a game or even a dream if you will. Its a game of fate and your fate lies entirely in your actions or even lack thereof. I wonder why my particular generation is suffering the most with anxiety and depression, yeah we can blame it on the media and society for making mental health issues essentially mainstream. I am here to tell you, you are not crazy and there is nothing wrong with you or your life, it’s all that you make it be. Choose what matters to you, for some they want to make a difference, some want to live as one with the earth and take in as much as possible. Either way I will tell you, happiness is something that can never truly be obtain, because you will have bad days.. a lot of them actually and if you always think negative you will receive just that, 7 billion people in this world, not all of us will be millionaires, not all us will follow and complete our dreams… Some of us have to make your order at McDonald’s, some of us save your loved ones in hospitals, some of us will teach the youth. We all have different dreams and goals and the earth will not stop just because things don’t go your way. As Elon musk once said sarcastically ” love is the answer”. To all of the human troubles, being a human only means you are more aware and because of that, we have to be responsible. Yes, we will mistake some worse than others, but if you find love in yourself, if you are willing to forgive others and forgive yourself you will at that moment understand Who and What God is… God is, the best parts of us, and the reason we can get up another day and figure it out because life is less of the little/bad things and more of the intangible things like good memories or that feeling you get around the holidays…In its purest form, it’s stronger than any drug you can create … love

Why you should focus on yourself…

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Hey, back with another blog post lets skip the funny, badly grammar intro and let’s get straight in to this..

Today, we are talking about why you should focus on yourself… I was going to say something along the lines of … in your early teens or 20’s you should always stay focused on yourself….but you should always focus on yourself or put yourself first especially if you are not were you want to be in life no matter your age….

I have a confession … recently I made a blog post titled could he be the one? and I got to tell you guys he wasn’t I knew from the moment I met him he wasn’t…. I wasn’t content with lying to myself and pretending he was just for the sake of having someone and not being lonely… I been searching for the perfect love probably since I was 12… I never had my father in my life, and because of that I been missing and yearning for a male figure in my life…

A guy to love me unconditionally, teach me things, help me when needed, and etc… but the more I put myself out there, the more I get my hopes up and the more mistakes I tend to make… every time I get with a guy my life slowly starts to slip away… my money becomes his money and instead of treating myself to things I normally do like getting my nails done, instead I take that money and put it in to who ever I am with at the time  whether it be food, clothing, or hell even gas for his car I go above and beyond and I tend to lose myself… How the hell can I focus on another human being when I can’t even take care of myself ??

I even go as far as changing my life plans/style, I will get distracted in school and tell myself …”Oh, you don’t need college find a decent job and start saving, so maybe you and Mr.so &so can get your own place” … I lose who I am every single time and it only hurts me …

FOCUS on yourself, stick to whatever plan God has for you… Dont get astray… find your passion take that leap… we all have something in us that could help or allow us to be successful, but we tend to lose that something… chasing something that isn’t meant for us and it’s not good for you, at all.

Relationship can wait, Friendships if they are real can stand a month or two without talking daily find some time to do something in the words of my favorite Tyler the creator song …. find some time to do something that benefits your life goals… everything else can wait…

Life isn’t easy. Getting to where you need to be in life wont be easy, you might have to work a crappy job just to make ends meet but remember its only temporary, once you find your calling do whatever it takes to meet your goals …

I have a new life plan…. I’m been thinking about my life lately as per usually but, I come to many realization and truths about myself. I have stop lying to myself about the world around me and accepted things for what they are…here are a few tips to find your calling

  1.  having a passion is different from having a career… your passion might not make a living it can if you want it to be, but be prepared…. it may not 
  2. don’t listen to the masses you don’t need college if you can’t find a career that fits a major in a certain college …. create your own path
  3. take that leap of faith you will regret not doing it trust me 
  4. trust your gut listen to yourself im sure you won’t steer yourself wrong
  5. have faith !
  6. create a life plan! follow every step no matter how long it takes

After taking my own advice, I feel as though its only right to give you guys my new and improved life plan before… on my old life plan I wanted to move out when I graduated nursing school, become a nurse and blah,blah, blah. My new life plan is revised and realistic and still helps me complete my goals ….

New life plan….

  1. get license ✓ *as of last week I’m officially a legal driver* after 3 years of failing… never give up
  2. get a car
  3. find a job full or part-time depending on school schedule
  4. start a savings put back at least $50-100 every month in savings account
  5. get a small apartment maybe just for a year if I don’t finish college within 1-2 years I may move back to focus on school
  6. change major !?!? yes! to healthcare management, easier more flexible work environment that suits me more.
  7. graduate by 2019
  8. find a job preferably at a clinic, hospital, or children’s hospital
  9. start a business or perfect my YouTube channel subscribe  here
  10. maybe move to a different state ?
  11. buy a home!
  12. travel!

We that’s all folks see you next blog post hope you enjoyed and it helped at least one person…never give up follow your dreams and don’t lose the faith !!!!!!!!

Accepting Defeat…

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Hey you guys, I know, I Know I havent posted in a while, but life has been kicking my ass nothing new though. I  have a lot to tell you guys especially since it seems my whole life has gone to shit…. Today, we are talking about nursing school…. yeah here we go again…

I named this post, and a YouTube video subscribe here “accepting defeat” because in a sense I am giving up, I don’t like to give up on things. My whole life I’ve been a quitter, but right now in my life, I just can’t lie to myself anymore… it’s exhausting. When I first decided to be a nurse or go to nursing school, you want to know what my number one reason was for going to nursing school?…. The MONEY, and the second was because I thought I would look cute in scrubs … I know, I know you might want to say “charmecia how could you base your entire life or career for a cute uniform” I was 17 sue me…

In all honesty, I knew I couldn’t complete nursing the moment I talked to a woman who calls herself nursenicole at least that’s on her name on instagram and snapchat, she amongst many I reached out to for guidance and the truth, told me many things …I asked them a number of questions like is was hard? is it good money? why did you choose nursing? blah, blah, blah and across the board I got the same discouraging answers, but whats different about what nurse Nicole had to say to me will always stick with me. She said something along the lines of  “this career is draining, I barely get to see my son it’s incredibly stressful, is the money good? yeah, of course your basically a doctor, but the work is demanding and extremely hard and now I am stuck here thousands of dollars in debt with a degree I despise” When she told me that all my warning signs went up!

…But I ignored them for the sake of lying to myself… I told myself hey if you study for hours you should be fine *I wasnt* if you don’t get a job and focus completely on school you should me fine, but I wasnt. I was the farthest thing from fine, I had somehow lied to myself for so long that I truly believe it, I mean come on I barely graduated highschool how the hell was I going to be able to complete nursing school, Now I know you might want to say something encouraging, like don’t give up! you can do this!, but the simple fact of the matter is that I can’t do this, I just CANT, I have waved the white flag and i am accepting defeat, and that’s fine.

But, Hey, look on the bright side I think I have found a career that can accommodate my needs/lifestyle, something that’s not as stressful as nursing school and something that makes a good enough living like nursing, That career is healthcare management… I was told by an advisor 35-40% of nurses try to go for a healthcare management degree, I hate I didn’t find this career sooner, but on the bright side I have bout ten classes already completed! I should if I switch my major next year be done in a year! and im excited again. I have hope! I feel as though this is the pep talk I needed for myself years ago..

The older you get the more you become more realistic! and the more you understand exactly what you want out of life, and im slowing getting there I understand what I can and can’t do… I’m not a genius so school will be hard for me, but I can make it easier on myself by understanding what I can and can’t do, I am learning to get over my jealous, competitive, and show-offy behaviors…college is not a race, I can’t be trying to finish faster than the next man. I have to stay focus and stay on my path…. This is something I need to do for me and only me …

To wrap this post up, I want to give you guys a few tips. Just because I would like this post to at least help one person… instead of it just being an unhealthy way for me to vent online …. these are a few tips I have on how to choose a career that suits you!

  1. Think of something you are truly passionate about…seriously anything if you are passionate about Barbie dolls … then put that into consideration
  2. Take an online or paper career test or personality test https://v6.typefocus.com is a good company/website that helps determine what type of job suits you best
  3. Do intensive research on a career you are interested in, look up the salary in different states as well as your own, look up the job outlook, and the responsibilities of that job requirement
  4. Determine what type of person you are, and be brutally honest, are you lazy? are you a morning person, are you a night owl, are you an active person and have high energy or do you prefer a quite rather work alone type of job
  5. DONT lie to yourself, If you know your not a morning person or a person who doesn’t like the same everyday routine then maybe you shouldnt be a teacher 
  6. Dont follow the money, you will regret it in the long run ! 
  7. Lastly ask for help reach out to people in the same career field that you are choosing remember in life you grow you never know what the future holds so it’s best to pick a career that is your type of flexible

Ok guys that’s all I have for you, im Charmecia thanks for joining me see you next week or maybe month for another depressing ass blog, don’t forget to tip your waitress Goodnight! and drive safe!

Could he be the one?

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Hey you guys, sorry I havent posted in a while, nursing school is kicking my ass right now, but today I am so excited and I just want to give you guys a little update on whats going in my life right now..

I been asking God to send me somebody who cares about me and wont leave me since 2014, and I think he finally answered my prayers, but before I tell you about this wonderful man let me tell you about the last guy I was recently seeing…. so as you guys may or may not remember, I was seeing this guy who was giving me mixed emotions, lets just call him Adam, Adam and I met this past summer and had what a 17-year-old might say was fun… but I started to notice how this guy would use me…

We went out a total of 9 times, and I paid for all expect one, He would only come over at night trying to have sex and when I refused he left, He would txt me back at least 6 hours between each text, and once he honestly had the nerve to ask me for $300… and I was so close to giving it to him, only because I just like to help people when I am able, and he “said” he wanted more from me…(yeah about $300 more), but in all seriousness he said he wanted a relationship with me, but treated me like I was some girl he thought he could use…

We actually got into a bad argument 1 week before I met what I want to call my future husband possibly, I told him how I felt and why I think he doesn’t care and how we should spend sometime apart…. you know what his responds was..No not “I like you and want to see where things go”, not a “baby im sorry I will do better” but a “you still gone loan me $300 right ?” The nerve I blocked his number admittedly… a couple of days later I started texting this guy…

This guy was so upfront and honest it blew me away. The day we met he came to pick me up and we went to Starbucks… He opened my door for me and the moment we met til the moment he dropped me off we TALKED like actually had a conversation about our future, We had so much in common and it was so beautiful, I thought to myself could he be what I had been waiting for, crying for and praying to God for…for all these years…

Last week He came over with flowers and asked me to be his girlfriend and gave me a promise ring a week later… No This isn’t some fairy tale I read years ago, this actually happened to me! something I dreamed of, as I am writing this crazily I am planning out our future, him being at my graduation for when I graduate nursing school, me being at his graduation for when he graduates law school, him helping me when I feel down, us moving in together, us getting engaged and telling our mothers, us having a small outdoors wedding or possibly running off to Vegas to get married, Us in paris for our honeymoon, us working hard and building an amazing life together, us traveling, us having a beautiful baby together, us celebrating holidays and growing old together… I know I sound crazy but if you been hurt as many times as I have you would get excited too..

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I knew something was special with him because the devil tried to admittedly ruin this for me, The night before he asked me out, my ex asked to come over I never got closure from him and havent seen him in two years, it was so bizarre to me that he finally contacts me once I thought I’ve found someone… and I wont lie I thought about inviting him over to talk about us…but instead I let it go and I facetimed the man I see so much potential in and I couldn’t be more excited…. To building a future and one day loving you and only you!

Are you fake ?

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Today’s blog post is more of a vent than actually advice or tips, well both, but today’s subject is something that I have noticed a lot about my generation, it’s the obsession with calling someone fake or people actually being fake so lets argue….

We have all done something that someone might consider fake…. When I was in high school I did some really shady things to people/friends and made some pretty poor life decision and I will always be ashamed of my actions, things I use to do include, showing off too much (well sometimes still do), pretending a situation is better than what it actually is, talking shit about friends, etc. I definitely wasn’t the model teenager or friend but after losing a friend and having karma whoop my ass, I learned how to be a better and more mature person.

Not everyone is fake, the line between being fake and being proud of yourself or hell having a different opinion than others is quite thin, but you have to be mature enough to understand the difference for example, If you get a new car, its ok to want to post it on social media and be proud of yourself that’s not fake…. the fakeness comes when you try to pretend like you never didn’t have a car at one point, like you never struggled, and making other people or someone you could call a friend feel bad about their situation. If you have a friend that rides the bus constantly saying things like “I don’t know how y’all be so old and not have a car” is very inconsiderate. The problem with a lot of people is they pretending they don’t struggle or overly bragging its the reason we all at one point lose friends, because we not mature enough and every small thing u do that is considered fake, you just cover it up as they just hating….No, u don’t go up to a homeless person and brag about buying a new home…

You doing better than me, that’s great keep up the good work, you not doing as good as me, that’s ok things take time️. Be understanding and mature. Not everyone is going to have it as good as you, even if you don’t know it people secretly go through things and you just have to be mature enough to understand that….

TIPS ON HOW TO BE MORE UNDERSTANDING!!!

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#1 DONT ASSUME

Don’t assume that friend that has a mom and a dad has prefect life, I grew up without a dad and envied everyone who did, I assumed if you had a mother and a father in your life it was great, but that might not be the case every time… I have had friends who had their mom and dad and was abused and mistreated in their household, it’s not safe or nice to assume, be kind to everyone… and vise versa don’t assume because I didn’t have a dad life was horrible. My mom and grandmother made my childhood magical. I can’t remember a christmas where I didn’t get exactly what I asked for. They will always and forever be apart of me!

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#2 DON’T OVER DO IT

I have this bad on social media where I over do almost everything, I brag too much, I vent too much, I overreact too much I recently thought I lost all my friends over a disagreement and that wasn’t the case at all…. IM VERY EXTRA !!!! Although on social media its safe for me to sometimes over do things, only because my friends aren’t as social media driven as me, and also, what I post on social media, I don’t exactly say to my friends, for example on my twitter it looks like I’m having fun in college and I study everyday, when I talk to my friends I am a bit more open. I tell them how I failed a test, and how my professor is so horrible, I be frank with my friends and a little more private on social media. Know the difference if everything is not ok, it’s not ok! Of course you don’t have to share that information with your friends, if you don’t want to but don’t pretend or rub in their face that everything is fine, because it might not be for them!

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#3 COMMUNICATION

Since I am not a mind reader, I don’t know how someone feels, if they don’t tell me. I can say something that offends you, and make you upset, and if you never tell me and just decide to hate me for it, talk down toward me, or cut me off for it… Its immature, Yes! you can make the decision to not want to be around someone for what they said/did or how they treat you, but at least tell them how you feel or what they did, so that person doesn’t have to wonder and can make a change and or apology.

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#4 BE HUMBLE

Kendrick Lamar said it best, be humble seat down!!! Here’s a small story I have to share…I remember once I dropped out of high school and for a good 6 months I didn’t have a diploma or didn’t know how I was going to graduate, and by the grace of God I ended up getting my diploma, and once I did you couldn’t tell me shit! I was posting my diploma on Facebook, Twitter, and the whole world just letting people know I made it like 6 months ago I wasn’t scared shitless, and at the time I had a friend or in all honesty a friendmeny (a person who is considered a friend but deep down y’all mistreat each other) that didn’t graduate high school either and while I was posting all this, I didn’t give two fucks about her feeling, and that to me, what I did was very fake! So you have to humble yourself and remember where you came from!!

So that’s all I have for you guys, just thought I’d vent and try to help people from making the same mistakes I did. When you are younger and more immature… the hunger for success or to be the first at something is real, and you have to not lose yourself in jealousy or envy!!!

❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤❤