Are you fake ?


Today’s blog post is more of a vent than actually advice or tips, well both, but today’s subject is something that I have noticed a lot about my generation, it’s the obsession with calling someone fake or people actually being fake so lets argue….

We have all done something that someone might consider fake…. When I was in high school I did some really shady things to people/friends and made some pretty poor life decision and I will always be ashamed of my actions, things I use to do include, showing off too much (well sometimes still do), pretending a situation is better than what it actually is, talking shit about friends, etc. I definitely wasn’t the model teenager or friend but after losing a friend and having karma whoop my ass, I learned how to be a better and more mature person.

Not everyone is fake, the line between being fake and being proud of yourself or hell having a different opinion than others is quite thin, but you have to be mature enough to understand the difference for example, If you get a new car, its ok to want to post it on social media and be proud of yourself that’s not fake…. the fakeness comes when you try to pretend like you never didn’t have a car at one point, like you never struggled, and making other people or someone you could call a friend feel bad about their situation. If you have a friend that rides the bus constantly saying things like “I don’t know how y’all be so old and not have a car” is very inconsiderate. The problem with a lot of people is they pretending they don’t struggle or overly bragging its the reason we all at one point lose friends, because we not mature enough and every small thing u do that is considered fake, you just cover it up as they just hating….No, u don’t go up to a homeless person and brag about buying a new home…

You doing better than me, that’s great keep up the good work, you not doing as good as me, that’s ok things take time️. Be understanding and mature. Not everyone is going to have it as good as you, even if you don’t know it people secretly go through things and you just have to be mature enough to understand that….




Don’t assume that friend that has a mom and a dad has prefect life, I grew up without a dad and envied everyone who did, I assumed if you had a mother and a father in your life it was great, but that might not be the case every time… I have had friends who had their mom and dad and was abused and mistreated in their household, it’s not safe or nice to assume, be kind to everyone… and vise versa don’t assume because I didn’t have a dad life was horrible. My mom and grandmother made my childhood magical. I can’t remember a christmas where I didn’t get exactly what I asked for. They will always and forever be apart of me!



I have this bad on social media where I over do almost everything, I brag too much, I vent too much, I overreact too much I recently thought I lost all my friends over a disagreement and that wasn’t the case at all…. IM VERY EXTRA !!!! Although on social media its safe for me to sometimes over do things, only because my friends aren’t as social media driven as me, and also, what I post on social media, I don’t exactly say to my friends, for example on my twitter it looks like I’m having fun in college and I study everyday, when I talk to my friends I am a bit more open. I tell them how I failed a test, and how my professor is so horrible, I be frank with my friends and a little more private on social media. Know the difference if everything is not ok, it’s not ok! Of course you don’t have to share that information with your friends, if you don’t want to but don’t pretend or rub in their face that everything is fine, because it might not be for them!



Since I am not a mind reader, I don’t know how someone feels, if they don’t tell me. I can say something that offends you, and make you upset, and if you never tell me and just decide to hate me for it, talk down toward me, or cut me off for it… Its immature, Yes! you can make the decision to not want to be around someone for what they said/did or how they treat you, but at least tell them how you feel or what they did, so that person doesn’t have to wonder and can make a change and or apology.



Kendrick Lamar said it best, be humble seat down!!! Here’s a small story I have to share…I remember once I dropped out of high school and for a good 6 months I didn’t have a diploma or didn’t know how I was going to graduate, and by the grace of God I ended up getting my diploma, and once I did you couldn’t tell me shit! I was posting my diploma on Facebook, Twitter, and the whole world just letting people know I made it like 6 months ago I wasn’t scared shitless, and at the time I had a friend or in all honesty a friendmeny (a person who is considered a friend but deep down y’all mistreat each other) that didn’t graduate high school either and while I was posting all this, I didn’t give two fucks about her feeling, and that to me, what I did was very fake! So you have to humble yourself and remember where you came from!!

So that’s all I have for you guys, just thought I’d vent and try to help people from making the same mistakes I did. When you are younger and more immature… the hunger for success or to be the first at something is real, and you have to not lose yourself in jealousy or envy!!!

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Skin care routine from an acne riddle adult ?

Hey everyone today I am here with hopefully a short and sweet blog post, about my skin care routine, before I give you all my secrets let me give you a little history on my skin…

I have had acne since the 6th grade, and each year of life I gain it grows worst! Not sure what the hell is going on but I am definitely visiting a dermatologist really soon, I mostly have really oily skin which causes my breakouts, but I have created a routine, where each month I have fewer and fewer breakouts, and I even managed to get rid of a couple of dark spots and here is how I did it …


  1. Find your skin type and what works best for you!!

Please visit a dermatologist unlike me. we all have different skin types…. I could be allergic to something I am using now! and wouldn’t even know it because I havent seen a doctor about my skin, so do as I say and not as I do and visit your local dermatologist !!

2. Create a routine !

I like to at least wash my face twice a day. Once in the morning, and Once before I go to bed, that usually works for me, but some people need more some people need least times to wash their face, So find something that is comfortable for your skin type, whether it’s once a day or 4 times a day do research and figure what is best for you!


3. Natural products !

Natural anything is way better than the chemically process stuff. If you can’t afford a dermatologist and don’t know if your skin can handle certain types of skin care products always go the natural route, you can make your on face mask out of simply honey, lemon juice, and cinnamon. It all depends on what your skin can handle. My favorite place to shop for natural products, if I am not making them myself is amazon they have lots of good natural products for cheap!! just make sure you read the ingredient list before you buy!!


drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water dink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water drink water and drink water !!!! healthy skin loves plenty of water !!!!!!


5. Your diet

Sorry to say this, but being healthy is absolutely necessary to have good skin and overall good health… Try a richer diet in vegetables and fruits avoid starchy foods and too much sugars like sodas, but again this all depends on you, You could be allergic to certain things, and you may have notice certain foods that may not be considered healthy could potentially make your skin glow, and if that’s the case whatever floats your boat!


Please don’t touch your face or pick at your face…and always wash your hands the dirt and oil that is on your hands and finger tips really can hurt your skin!! so be clean and safe please !!!

Ok, that’s all I have for you guys today and for a surprise, here is my skin care routine

  1. Wake up drink 1 bottle of water
  2. Wash face with oil-free ance wash pink grapefruit by Neutogena
  3. Make bae tea or any detox or any complexion tea that I may have, make a cup drink it by noon
  4. Use Hawaiian face toner throughout the day when my face gets too oily…
  5. Around bed time wash face throughly with warm water
  6. Use either my avocado mask or Manuka honey brighten mask or any mask I have available, put on face for 5 mins before washing off with warm or cold water
  7. Take a make up wipe and put Hawaiian facial toner on it and gently wash face for any extra dirt that could be lingering around

And that’s it you guys if you want to see this in action subscribe to my YouTube channel  will upload routine soon !!!here

Weight loss tips from a fat chick…


Hey, everyone lucky charm here back with another blog post, I would like to take some time and thank everyone who has recently followed my account, that really makes me happy, and also if you guys could subscribe to my YouTube channel here I would appreciate it!

Ok, so let’s get into today’s blog post today since I lost 5 pounds this week, (high fives myself) I decided to give some tips and advice on weight loss. Now I know some asshole may say, how can you give me advice on weight lost when you finding all the weight you trying to lose?…HA HA very funny (cries on the inside), but don’t judge a book by its cover. I have lost huge amounts of weight 2 times in my 20 years of living once. I once lost 60 pounds, the other time I lose 45, and I am here to tell you how I did it. This is what I will be doing for the remainder of the year. I will upload my result  towards the end of December!


We all have heard the drink water tip at least a million times, but drinking water is very crucial in your diet, you know if you kind of like living. I usually drink water when I am feeling hungry and it’s not time for me to eat yet, try drinking a gallon or at least 3 bottles of water a day! stay hydrated and healthy!


Tip #2 Schedule what time you eat!

This tip is very important…. TIMING is everything, especially depending on your metabolism. Try to eat 3 meals a day with 2 light snacks whenever you feel a little hungry. Put yourself on a strict schedule, so your body can get use to it. What I like to do for breakfast is wake up between 8-9 am, and either have Cheerios or frosted flakes with a banana, or if I want something hot I will make a waffle with blueberries on top…. for lunch, which is between 1-2 pm for me I usually eat a salad with no meat or a microwaveable Lean Cuisine meal, around 4 pm I eat a light snack, then around 7 pm I have dinner, which is usually some form of meat… chicken,turkey,or meatballs with a side of two types of vegetables, and I try my very best not to eat after 8 pm, but if I have to I have a light snack maybe yogurt, some fruit, or a granola bar usually around 10 pm or hour before I go to bed.


Tip #3 Get up and exercise

This has and always will be hard for me, I hate and love to work out. I love going to the gym, but I don’t really have transportation to go as much as I want to, so 90% of the time I go for jogs around my neighborhood, its the worst yet sometimes is very therapeutic for me, it helps me sweat, but if I am extra lazy I just go to YouTube type in beginners work out and do that instead.


Tip #4 You have to stick to it! Find motivation

You have to find a good reason to stay motivated, granted when I lost all the weight the first two times, it wasnt for me. It was to be more acceptable for my highschool image instead of for myself or health, reason I gained all the weight back after highschool, then the second time I lost weight was because of my ex, he broke up with me and I wanted him to see what he had lost, and that wasnt a good reason either. That’s the reason I gained it all back, because I wasn’t doing it for myself or for a better lifestyle. Do it for you and you only!


# 5 Eating healthy

Honestly this is probably the hardest thing about weight loss, not because healthy food is nasty. You can find tons of recipes for something you like.No, but because its expensive. A salad at McDonald’s is $4.99, but a double cheese burger a $1. It really is hard to be healthy and be broke, but you can always purchase microwaveable meals that usually go for a $1-3, also cook food in bulk, meal prep is key. You can make a huge pot of chicken soup that can last for a week or two, Now, it’s gone be hard just eating chicken soup for two weeks, but it’s food and it’s healthy. You just have to budget and use coupons!

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Well, you guys that’s all I have for you today, hopefully I can stick to this plan myself. My goal is to lose 30 pounds by December, and I am sure I can do it, and so can you! Just remember you are doing this for yourself and nobody else!! =)

How to create a life plan?

Hey you guys lucky charm here, back with another blog post, and today I want to write about something short,sweet, and helpful. How to create a life plan and stick to it!

Before I give you step by step tips on creating your own life plan. I want to be clear…. In no way, shape, or form do I have my life all together. I'm 20 years old and at least two years behind on my original life plan, but that's not stopping me, and neither should it stop you. It doesn't matter what age you are, although its helps to have a life plan at a  young age, it DOES NOT mean you're too old or it's too late to have one. As long as you want change and have goals you can do it!!


Think about your future long and hard, although you don't need every aspect of your life figured out, think about everything you want in life and don't compromise, but be realistic, for example… if you want to be an artistic or a photographer, and you also want a mansion, it's not realistic considering the pay for those professions, but it is very much possible!! but will take sometime.



DO NOT get discourage under any circumstances!! That will be the death of your dreams/goals. If your constantly bringing yourself down then you will surely fail, bringing yourself down,which is something I use to do a lot and sometimes still do, (I guess old habitats die-hard) will only hurt you in the long run. The best advice I have for up lifting yourself is a good work out, (if you have good friends) hanging out with friends, and or family members, taking a small break and doing something for yourself, and lastly…this one may be a little bit controversial, but remember whatever your going through, its someone out there who has got it twice as bad as you. If your breathing and not buried somewhere six feet under count your blessings!

do it


Put yourself on a time frame… for example after you make your general life plan, like your career choice, schooling, and overall things you want to have, pick the most important or the one that is the most easiest/convenient for you… If you want a car say something like "by the end of this year I will have a car" say it, mean it, and work for it!



To go back to the car scenario…. to want a car is not enough, you have to work hard and save for one. Remember now, you are not where you want to be in life yet, so don't say you want a Range Rover and you're still in college working at McDonald's…. BE REASONABLE! Find a car that is reliable and for a good price! not Cheap price!! Now once you get the car, remember there will be extra expenses you will have to consider like insurance, gas, and emergency money for oil changes, flat tires, and etc. Which brings me to tip #5



Budgeting is always good!! Rather you're a CEO, work at a fast food joint, or hell even if you are jobless, any money you come in contact with needs to be carefully spent. Jay z once said "you don't have a $100 until you have $200" which means be careful on how you spend your money. If you want a car, that iPhone 8 will have to wait. Prioritize! If you make $600 every two weeks seat down, grab a pencil and paper, and budget… Realize and ask yourself questions like… If you live with your mom and want your own place can you handle rent and a car note without living paycheck to paycheck?


TIP #6 PRAY !!!!!!!!

Praying is the most therapeutic thing for me right now in my life. I don't know what you believe in or don't, but if you believe in some form of a higher power, pray! Heck you can even pray to the universe for things to fall in your favor. A simple prayer I made for myself goes like this… "Lord give me the strength and wisdom to carry on, may your love and grace fall down on me, I understand if I want something bad enough in life I must have faith and work hard, please Lord if it's in your will  ___________" in that blank you can say whatever you need …. for example " please Lord if it's in your will guide me to
a dependable job, and a car to take me from point A to point B in Jesus name I pray"



One of my favorite quotes by one of my favorite YouTubers …Spoken reasons "FAITH,CONSISTENCY, & HARD WORK!" that is everything you'll need to be successful in life… each word is powerful ! Faith: To have complete trust or confidence in someone or something!!! Consistency: The quality of achieving a level of performance which does not vary greatly in quality but over time!!! Hard work: A great deal of effort or endurance!! With all three you can't fail!!!


Well guys that's all I have for you hoped you guys enjoy… also just for bonus here is my life plan….


  1. Get a dependable car for school
  2. Graduate college by age 24, with good grades, and also try to make friends and be more out going.
  3. By age 25 I should be a college graduate with my bachelors degree and have a stable job, hopefully in my own place as well but I don't want to move out until I have *at least $3-5k in the bank saved…(sidenote before moving into my own place slowly buy things over time for my home instead of buying everything at once!!)
  4. By age 30 I should have at least $10-15k saved in a bank, if possible also starting my own business, and hopefully by then I've found someone who I can trust and build with.
  5. When I am 33 I shall Take a year break  from work and travel for one year straight with my husband and see the world.
  6. By age 35 I will start a family, once I find out I'm pregnant open a savings account for my child/children and put $20 a month in that account until they're 18 for college
  7. enjoy life, live free, love and be happy!!


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Is it me ?

I told myself I was going to write an informative and positive blog today, maybe something like a morning routine, but no I am here to vent as usual. It’s hard not having no one to talk to, because when your lonely you turn to things that are no good for you. Like drugs… or something less intense like… venting to strangers or the internet, telling all your business to people who look at it and laugh…I believe I create problems for myself. I have a friend, and for the sake of her privacy lets call her Tiffany…. I always admired Tiffany, she was cute, funny, and has a do not give a fuck attitude. If someone crosses her or makes her feel a certain way *poof* they’re gone. I always admire her ability to let things/people go that hurt her…. I will never forget, she was dating this guy and they were together for a while, and he wasn’t acting right and was heading on the wrong path, and as quick as they started she ended it. She never really talked about him much after that. She said “he’s no good… im done” I was in shock and inspired all at the same time.

Right now, what’s keeping me up and keeping my fingers typing across my ancient 2010 Macbook is of course some guy… yeah I know, I know what a cliché a girl who blogs and has issue in her love life… I am a black Carrie from sex and the city (yes this is my  2nd sex and the city reference I love the show sue me!) The problem I am having is why can’t things be simple? Why can’t a guy/girl just be honest and say what he or she wants? why the lies, why the pretending, why all the extra shit huh? Right now I am contemplating blocking this guy’s number. We’ve been seeing each other all summer and I grew quite fond of him. No! I am not in love, I just really like his company especially since I am basically friendless and really lonely right now… oh and the sex isn’t half bad either..

Me and this guy just don’t click, and not because we don’t want the same things in life or don’t have anything in common, but because he can’t be honest. Our problem is communication, in a whole day we probably text 5 times, with a 2-8 hours of delay on his part. I told him how I felt one day and we actually text for a good hour about it, and he told me how he felt and he made me feel reassured, but that didn’t last very long. The very next day he was back on his bullshit. He has me feeling like I’m not wanted or like I am annoying. I found myself blocking him, but then he’ll just call me from another phone pretending to care and talking me into unblocking him, and at this point I’m basically hurting myself… and I don’t know how to stop this cycle…

I am a very caring person… I don’t believe in having people come in and out of my life. Since I was a kid my dad ruined how I loved, because he was so in and out of my life I found myself at one point trying my hardest to make him stay and love me instead of letting him go. I remember I once gave my dad $30, that I had saved up for like 6 months (I was like 10 so yeah it took me a while to save up 30 bucks) just because I wanted him to smile and say “My daughter always has my back” and that’s how I deal with men now. I try my best to make them see I am a good person to have in their corner, that I’m caring, loving, and much more, and that if you needed something and I didn’t have it I would find a way to get it simple!

My relationship with men from day one has been shit!! It got so bad I tried to set little booby traps (metaphorically of course) out for a boyfriend during high school. I basically promise or had sex first and then I thought maybe if the guys likes it we can build from there. I give him what he wants then I’ll get the relationship I want, but no lol!! They left soon after and I didn’t understand why for a while… it got so bad that my friends were looking at me funny… like what the hell girl? but I was determined to find a guy who loved me, because hey whats not to love .. I’m funny, smart, kind, and would do anything I could to make someone happy yet I still get treated like dirt.

I wasn’t suppose to open up about my past traumas on this post, but I guess I got a little carried away. To wrap things up, the guy I am dealing with… who also hasn’t text me back yet (its been about 7 hours) is an issue in my life right now. Its time to let this go while it doesn’t hurt so much… well it hurts of course but it nothing I haven’t been through before, feeling like you’re not good enough will always hurt, but I know once I do cut him off, I have no one… again, no one to talk to, no one to spend time with, no one at all. That’s probably why I am so reluctant on cutting him off. I’ll be right back where I started but actually, a little more broken this time.



School in ‘Merica!

Hey there, I'm back with another depressing ass blog about my life and my fears. Today we will be discussing how college and the american school system is trash, and how to prepare yourself…. are you ready… NO …. good neither I am. Let me first start off by telling why I believe college is so difficult in the first place… The public school system in America is a complete disaster. Lets start with the obvious, why doesn't school teach us things we actually need in life??.. Like how to file taxes, how to build credit, and hell how to even change a flat tire, but no we get learn the Pythagorean theorem like 4 different times in 5 different grades….

Anyways let me tell you my personal horror story with the public school system. From grade 1st-7th I was an amazing student AB honor roll, one year I even got straight A's… all that changed my 8th grade year. I got so tired of not getting enough credit from the teachers. In every class we had what i called a "demon" these students skip class, disrupt class, and were kinda disrespectful to the teacher, yet theses students got extra time to turn in homework, hell even snacks… I remember thinking WTF! am I working so hard for if all I have to do… is not do shit, and get praised for that…so that's exactly what I did.

I started skipping, not really doing homework, and over all just being stubborn. Towards the end of my highschool years things got so bad and I started to completely not care… I dropped out of highschool and went to this alternative highschool, even though I still got an actual diploma, and not an Ged it still was a very weird and terrible school system. This school was really for people like… girls who maybe were pregnant or had kids, people who had no transportation to school, people who worked a lot, or just didn't have the time to be at school 5 days a week and 8 hours a day!! You couldn't be over 20 to get in this school… it again was an actually high school. You were only required to come 2 days out of the week for at least 1 hour… yeah sounds like a dream huh? This school didn't serve lunch which I thought was odd or maybe my fat girl senses were just mad not actually me mad, and they only had about 10 teachers who each specialized in a certain subject. It was oddly disproportioned, it would be one math teacher and like seven reading teachers for some reason.

I remember the moment I  got there, how I realized this was a big mistake, but it was too late. They had a rather simple yet unusual system 10 books = 1 credit, and 5 books = .5 credit of course. After you completed the book you took a test on it, you only had 3 attempts. If you failed 3 times you had to redo the entire book, and some books contained 500 word essays and 300 pages of work!! I think the fuck not!! I had 19.5 credits when I transferred there, and needed 3.5 more to graduate, which meant I needed to complete 35 books right?…  (In my evil Donald trump voice) Wrong!!!

They made me take classes I didn't even need. I ended up graduating with 26 credits….I only needed 24! I completed 60 books. Some didn't even go towards my credits. It was the worst decision I ever made in my life. No one even helped me with the assignments. I did it all on my own…. this school completely miss the ball park of course and didn't prepare me for college, so as a result of that I ended up having to go to community college just to get a decent GPA, and some experience before I applied to the university I wanted to go to.

Now I'm here… my first year of college was half and half, it was hard because I made it hard. I refused to study correctly. I half did some assignments, but ended up doing pretty well. Now I am at my dream school. I switch my major from ADN to BSN, simply because after I graduate college. I refuse to come back. No, I don't need or want my master degree. The highest form of eduction I want is my bachelor degree, so I decided why not get it over with now, it'll only take me an extra 2 years from my original plan… so here  I am scared of failure and yearning for success.

So here's my advice for all new college students…

  1. Study, Study, Study…. everyday!!! that's the only way to pass
  2. Don't give up theres gonna be times when you think I cant do this and trust me you can!!!
  3. Use all the resources you have or all your school provides…the library at your school (if printing is free print practice test as many as they allow) any free books, tutors at your school, anything that can help you success use it!
  4. Build a strong professional!! relationship with your professor it may come in handy towards the end of the year!
  5. Take notes!!! I don't care if your professor makes a bad joke during the lectures write the joke down !!! write it all down… write it all down!!
  6. DONT procrastinate…. just don't !!!

Well you guys that's all I have for you today….if you have any question feel free to contact me !!! Happy Studies and my the force …. better yet may your GPA be with you, or forever in your favor!!!

How college students are feeling now that finals are upon us... - Imgur

Sleeping with the enemy ?

Not a 100% sure if I am using this blog thing right some people say it's for recipes and famous people's drama… not my past traumas but…. I shall continue to tell you guys shit you don't care to hear. Recently, I started seeing this guy and I am so confused about him. I have feelings for him that I never felt for a guy. I feel nothing… but at the same time feel everything with him. We started talking about 2 months ago. He is a year younger than me and he acts like it, but I do like that he can be himself around me, I find that refreshing, anyway for our very first day he took me to the movies, and he actually paid. I been so mistreated by guys, him paying for my $7.25 movie ticket was probably the most amazing thing a guy has ever done for me….but so far we had two big issue in our I guess you can call a "relationship". Here goes nothing…

The first issue happened about 4 weeks into us knowing each other. He was broke one week, but still wanted to hang out, so I said we can go out to eat my treat since you paid for my movie ticket last time. So, he picks me up we decide to go to waffle house ( if you don't know what waffle house is you're missing out) and order take out, then go back to my house. As we are in the car we are talking about some pretty deep things, like his friend was just killed recently and his cousin was having a baby that night, and he was scared that the baby or the baby's father would end up like his dead friend. I thought it was weird he brought up the cousin thing, but I didn't really think about it to deep, so we get the food and he gets back in the car and he is still taking about his cousin? I was like "why are you here if your cousin is having a baby ?" he said because he wanted to see me. I was like "ok"…. so literally seconds after that, almost like it was planned… his brother calls, and he saids, and I quote "Ole gurl bout to have the baby" … Now the reason I have a problem with that statement is because, why is your brother calling "y'all" cousin "ole gurl" ??? why not say her fucking name, right ?? so he tells me he has to go after I just bout him food? I felt used as if the dude was hungry wanted some food but just didn't have the money …. or maybe I am over thinking it….

The second issue happened maybe a week or two after the first … now I know some of you all may say I should have stopped talking to him because of the first incident, but being a lonely girl with a lack of confidence can sometimes take a toll on you… but I digress the second incident made me so mad I instantly blocked him. Here's what happened… He came over one night around 10. We watched Creed I think and to make a long story short we had sex. Now this wasn't our first time… we've been together before but what made this situation so bad is his actions. The other times we sleep together when he had to leave he got dressed, we walked to my front door,he hugged me, and then he left…but this time was much different. His brother dropped him off this time, and when he had to leave someone had to pick him up…  I was thinking …I don't know maybe his brother would… but someone called him under the name "Ayesha" or something like that. When he answered the phone the conversation was weird, it something like this "I'm on the other side of town where u at? you wanna come get me ? ok cool come through" to me that sounded so weird… but I thought maybe it was his brother's girlfriend. They all share the same car??? werid I know… but being a girl with no car and or driver's license I can't judge… anyway when the girl or "person" got here he did something he never did before he asked for a wet towel, and some perfume!!!! He basically took a hoe bath in my bathroom as if he was trying to cover of the smell of me ….the fact that sex we just had ??

I was so furious I blocked him on every social media site and through my iphone. He called me a week later from a weird # asking me why I blocked him, what he do, etc…. long story short, he told me his mom picked him up and she was strict and Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah sounds like crap to me, but he offered to take me out to eat and my fat lonely ass couldn't resisted free food. We went to Buffalo Wild Wings yesterday, and he did something again that no guy has never done before. He opened my door to the car before and after I got in!! like that was so sweet to me. When I am around him I basically don't have to open my own door lol YAY! I am saved….no! but seriously I'm highly confused by this guy but very much intrigued. I'll keep you guys posted I am sure this will end in flames, but hey I am only young and dumb once right ?

no shit

You were right…

The fact that I am up thinking about this at 12am, on a Monday night is strange, and a bit obsessive …but its on my mind and I have no one to talk to so here I am…. This blog post is about a girl who I treated like shit and now karma has come back to me, to get sweet, sweet revenge.. this here post is pretty much me acknowledging her and my faults… are you ready for almost 600 words of nothing… good here we go!

To protect her identity lets call her Aaliyah white…. since recently I basically have no friends I thought of you … and I thought you would like to know how right you were and maybe celebrate my pain…but honestly you’re not really the type to… you are not a me. I thought how back when we got into it and you cut me off and basically all your friends, I remember thinking…”wow, how stupid and selfish could you be” but boy! was I wrong… you are something special and your insight about things and your certain vibe/energy that you possess will always protect you …. Just a year ago maybe closer to two I remember thanking God I wasn’t you now i am wishing i was…

I remember thinking damn she must be lonely. I felt bad for you… but now I inspire to be you. I never got a chance to apologize.. wait? that’s actually a lie I had amply opportunity to make things right with you but I decided to be fake and have hateful energy instead and I fear its to late to apologize… I mean what good would it do ? you’ll problem never read this and mostly likely you moved on from me and the situation so why I am writing this… last time I lurked your page (yes I am a werido creep) was 5 months ago you were a vegan looking beautiful as usual and being yourself, after a year of being away from me and all my negative bullshit you begin to flourish at an unusual pace, and I want to know how you did it?

I feel like I only care now, because I lost my friends recently and I just realized how right you were about me and I got sad and scared, I never realize how much of an asshole i was to you …like no seriously think about it ?? while we were friends I basically ruined you life… some could argue you were grown and could make your own decisions, I still say I was a negative influence in your life there’s no doubt about that, I literally made fun of you for not having friends and look were I’m at now LOL! life is funny….but like WHO the fuck I am… like seriously I am hitler reincarnated???.. why do everyone I touch eventually grows to dislike me? … I would like hear your voice again and your wisdom… but just cause my life is shitty right now doesn’t give me the right to pop up in your life and stunt your growth and try to steal your glow… I genuinely hope your happy and you’re getting everything your heart desires, you are something special and I hope you can forget i ever existed …

yours truly, no one.


Do I need friends ?

In Today's blog I will be a bit dramatic and also it will be filled with run on sentences, bad grammar, and punctuation…because hey, that's just who I am. Recently something I thought would never happen… happened to me and this blog post is mostly for venting but also for help so if your reading and have any great advice I am all ears.. but i digress yesterday I lost a friend that I been knowing for 12 years. I generally thought if the whole world was to turn against me I would at least have her, but before i get all sentimental, I should tell you what happened and I will spare you the details as though I would like to keep a lot of things between me and her private for the sake of this blog lets call her Tracey….

Anyway, me Tracey had been friends for years and with a lot of long friendships some issues may arise, now when I say issue, I don't mean you and your friend constantly fighting, talking behind each others back, and lying to each other, if you have a friends that is constantly treating you like shit then sorry, that's not your friend.. anyways turns out the friend I've been raving over and telling my sisters "hey make sure you have real friends like me and Tracey someone to have your back" we've been slowly growing apart, and I honestly never truly notice it until she said something yesterday…

She texted me and just said she feels like we shouldn't be friends and she's out grown me. Now, her and I just spend a lovely weekend together, was going out almost every week to places like: the gym, park, Starbucks, etc… so I was a bit in shock I generally thought it was a joke til we talked and she explained where she was coming from and how she felt. Now I am going to be honest with you guys although I see her many points with what she  had to say, she was dead wrong and I can't understand it. She basically brought up stuff she been feeling since sophomore year in high school, things I never heard her really speak on until yesterday.

She brought up my pass, my ex, my bad habits, and how I was a little to wild in high school, and all I could think of is how dare you judge me? for something 3-4 years old ? How could you say these things as if you don't have your faults too? how could you say these things to me a person you've known since 4th grade, a person who daily tries to be a better person, a person you has abandonment issue… how could you do this NOW!!! right when things maybe were getting good for me? how could you? but I know deep down her reason are justified. She's basically said "hey  we've been friend for so long and I feel like you haven't grown as much as I have and you know you use to be a hoe in highschool, and also you make bad decision." although a lot of that statement is true.. I thought real friends stick it out… tell me how you feel and help me fix or be their for me even if it's at a distance just until I get back on track.. but I can't tell someone how to feel.

If she feels like she has out grown me then it must be true, and who I am to tell her to be friends with me, help me, stick by me it'll get better soon? but NO! that's not how life works I have no control over her and her feelings, if I am useless to her then thats the way it is…. I can honestly understand and respect that she has outgrown me, because that is life… I can bet half of our parents aren't  still friends with their childhood/high school friends because we out grow people, even the people we love we out grow them… a part of me says fuck her and a part of me is deeply torn up a friendship ending hurts more than a relationship ending. Although I have many annoying or bad ways, I also had good aspect.

I won't take all the blame and say I solely ruined the friendship hell no!…. I did the best I could to show all my friends I cared for them whether it was treating them to some food, trying to make them laugh, getting their nails done, sending care packages, putting gas in their car, having an open ear, defending/fighting for them, trying to understand them, and praying for them. I also showed them the bad sides of me like skipping school, arguing with them over petty things, talking over them, being too needy, making bad decisions, hanging out with too many guys, being overly emotional, ignoring them, etc. with all that being said I still believe I am a good person and I wont let no one make me feel like I'm not. I may have bad energy, but I also have good energy. I am the perfect yin and yang, and I will not let this stop me from flourishing and being a better person I will get through this with God's grace.duhhh

WHY am I single ?

Oh, I could write 3 novels of reasons why I am single… too ugly, too fat, too annoying perhaps. No, I find myself beautiful (at times) but my beauty or the lack there of is not the reason I am single today…oh no, no, no, no ,no (in Georgina’s voice from get out), I am single because I refuse to be walked over, mistreated, and abused. Gather around the camp fire you guys I have a story to tell you, well not a story more of me venting but hey… who cares. I’ve  never had a decent relationship with a guy, and surprise, surprise it’s because I didn’t have my father in my life. Yes, I have daddy issue sue me. I’ve never understood men, not even a little bit. About a year and a half ago I got really into sex in the city. Oh, how I loved this show and their witty characters. I could remember wanting to have the lifestyle of Carrie’s. Living in New York, seeing my friends every week, fashion, sex, and making money. It was the ultimate dream. I honestly related more to Samantha rather than Carrie. Samantha’s carefree, fuck anything with a 6 pack was so powerful to me, but the point I am trying to make here is, like Carrie and unlike Samantha I craved foundation, stability, and happiness. Although, I wouldn’t mind the lifestyle of Samantha’s somedays, but I have the heart of Carrie. That constantly needing reassurance and attention, because of that I find myself not living the full college experience. I was told that college is for you to be young, cut loose, have your first lesbian experience, and threesome, yet here I am, living with my mom, naked in my room eating a pack of family sized Oreos… by myself. What I am doing wrong if anything? Should I hop in my car and fuck the first guy that texts me back? or should I continue to wait for Mr. Right, or to keep with the sex and the city theme of this blog post Mr. Big?  What should i do? I am scared, young, and lonely, But Hey what do I know? I’ll just masterbate and fall asleep and pretend I dont have these dreadful feelings inside about my future…Ha Ha life is funny sometimes and other times, its just bullshit =)master